It is Good Friday here. Usually tradition says I would be at my parents house eating fish. This year for the first time ever, I have no family obligations. It is weird, different, feeling misplaced.
Last year, mom was in hospital, none of us ever imagining she would not be here this year. The year before we were doing the traditional fish dinner at mum’s. Me wishing that I could not be so tied down to family traditions and having the courage to speak up and doing something that allowed me to doing my own thing. Something that reflected myself and what I hoped spoke of maturity and being free of family obligation.
This year for the first time I have no family obligations. As most of my followers know mom died last year. My dad is now currently on a cruise of The Rhine. My brother has stayed in Brisbane. My eldest is in Townsville. And the rest of us is here. No obligations, no ties. I find myself wondering just what to do with this freedom. It is a huge thing, something wanted for so long, and now that it is here, I find I don’t know what to do. Freed from family I find myself frozen.
And yet, this year is still better. The shared nachos with my kids, the freedom to be us, despite not having the rest of the family around is still better than sharing fish with my mother. I miss her, but am also empowered by her not being here. How complex and mixed is that. Guilt and freedom at the same time.
Both kids happy tonight regardless, both kids not tied down to tradition and memories. I guess that is what I had always hoped for. That they love being with family, but also know their own worth.
