I can’t think straight most days. Too many thoughts, too many things to do in too many different corners of my life. Everything gets jumbled, scattered and in disarray. I try lists but I loose them, I use google calendar and it’s a tremendous help when I can remember to write down the information on it. Everything requires either focus, extended patience or a dedicated length of time. Why is this so difficult for me?
Because I fight myself. I don’t want to fight myself, but my mind is not always on my side. I desire and understand that I need to accomplish certain things, I desperately want to do well…but my brain doesn’t like to cooperate. Partly this is because of treatment resistant clinical depression, which though I have I will not let define me. I deal with it. I will not let it be my ‘label’ or excuse. But it is very hard to cope some days.
Another part of the problem is the simple exhaustion (and joyful stress) that being a parent involves. I run my own business from home, and when the kids have the day off school it’s a challenge for me to write a simple paragraph. As I write this two of my three kids are sneaking across the floor directly in front of me ‘spying’ on me rather ineffectively.
I’m not supposed to know they are there, but what mother doesn’t know when her 9 & 10 year old girls are crawling ten feet from her while the dog incessantly licks their feet causing a cascade of giggles? As I was saying..it gets hard to concentrate.
When I finally get things calmed down, dogs quiet, kids quiet, phone silent and start to work I then have to deal with my mind. It’s patient…it knows as soon as I try to work it will get it’s turn. When I’m busy doing something my mind is quiet (though occasionally throwing negative comments) however the minute I try to concentrate on a task I start to get those negative comments in my mind ten times louder and stronger. Comments such as: “you’re not doing a good job”, “you’re an idiot if you think you’ll ever succeed” or my favourite “Why bother?”. Yes I know this is the depression but I also know that it’s wrong. I can do it, I can succeed and I bother because I’m worth it and my family needs me to help support them…and I will never let them down.
It’s exhausting fighting yourself, it’s so much easier to just get back in bed or lie down on the couch and sleep. And in all honestly there are days when I do just that. But something in me drags me back out of bed, splashes water on my face and grabs that second cup of coffee. I supposed you could say that my determination is stronger than my depression most days.
All I know is that I will never give up, I will fall down, I will mess up, I will occasionally lay down and I will definitely see lots of my own tears…but I will not let it beat me.
My depression may sometimes win the battle but I’ll be damned if I let it win the war.
A bit about Kathy Shimmield:
I’m a mom of 3, married for 15 years to a lovely and very patient man. Two years ago I was laid off from my business development job and the year prior I had been laid off as well. Needless to say I didn’t feel confident in any job. I decided to go into business for myself making apps for the iPhone and iPad. I knew less than nothing about it and learned as I went. I hired a programmer with what little I had saved from my last job. My one rule was to never take out loans or touch my families finances, I didn’t want to take away from us I wanted to add to us as a family. It took a year but finally my first app ‘iMommy’ was launched and I’ve never looked back. I hope one day to be successful enough to help others find their path as well, but I’m still finding my own way through the woods. My path is more secure, but in this business there are no guarantees. The links to my social media stuff are as follows: Twitter:@iMommygame FaceBook:Kathy on Face Book App iMommy:iMommy on itunes
