Saturday, November 23, 2013 @ 9:17 am
Good morning! This is me and we’re up to Saturday. Only one more week of Thom being here, and it is going to be fast. We already know he’s coming for two days, but always of course, hoping for more. We’ll see.
BUT, the big news this entry is that we saw the three boys’ together yesterday afternoon. The above is my favorite picture taken. I’m not sure what’s happening on the height thing … they are 29, 31, and 33 this year so I don’t think anyone is growing. Maybe what happened is that in both pictures – the one two years ago and the one taken yesterday – the middle people were leaning back on something to make them appear shorter. I know Maury is 3-4” taller than me … and the others are a little taller, but this picture emphasizes a lot of height difference … Most the time you’re with them everyone is sitting down.
Hmm, not sure. We sent the above picture to Nikki. She was the first to notice the height difference, maybe her or Maury will know why the sudden difference.
Rich just turned off his fishy shows … OHHH he’s making a call … THAT’s why! He’s been up for a couple of hours, and I’ve been up a couple more hours than him. I think he’s on the phone with his brother. Oh, and now he’s connected to his mother. There’s big stuff going on there as to Rich is putting out a birthday party for her tomorrow. Rich’s brother is coming in for an overnight maybe. He will probably stay with his Mom if they can manage that. I think Rich will be over there pretty soon. It sounds like everything is on schedule, though we would be more comfortable if Rich ordered the cake.
I think now that he’s off the phone … he’s going to do a little more with the piece parts. The majority of the work has been done last night and for that part he has to wait for them to soak for about 24 hours. He’s a hard worker. FORTUNATELY … he’s been watching his fishing shows this morning so hasn’t had a bad time of it. I am forgetting his part with all the excitement with the boys.
I would like to say one thing though … last night as he was finishing up his work, we (meaning us insiders) managed to put dinner on the table all by ourselves. It was mostly heating and getting things serving/eating ready, but it was a pretty big deal. We’re a little afraid he could get too used to that kind of thing, but for one day … we WERE in a pretty good mood. After dinner though, we had to take a short nap before cleaning up. We were just SOOO tired. Things worked out after that. We then made Rich some tropical fruit ice cream about 8:30 pm, and then probably fell asleep massaging him before five minutes had gone by. I think he followed after his show finished AND, he might have been able to stay in the bed all night. I don’t usually hear him up when he moves to the chair or couch to work with his legs.
We put an extra entry in earlier about how things we’re being scheduled and planned on Thanksgiving and the day before. There seems to be a LOT happening. From what I understand too is that Laura is dropping Austin off at Thom’s Dad – so Thom can have the day together. It be nice if they got a few more days in, but I’m really glad to have them both for an overnight on Wednesday.
Most of the plans came together by us talking with Laura in a private FB message, and I’m feeling a little guilty there, but we are trying to make very concrete plans so that we can all get as much time together this week before Thom leaves. I kinda stepped back into the Mom role, where in general it seems women communicate that kind of thing better than the males who play more by the seat of their pants. I’m going to miss Laura and Mike being here and hopefully we’ll get some time with them around Christmas, but Laura made sure we knew that the baby is due January 8th, so no one knows for sure what is going to happen. We’re VERY excited for them.
One of the nicest things that happened is that Austin got to meet my ex this week. It’s the first time for about ten to eleven years. It must have been very exciting for them and I’m sure they were both looking forward. It takes someone to come forward though and make the connections. From what Thom says Austin might like his Grandfather more than me. I was very disappointed with that part. The boys are very upfront, and I don’t think at that time he was teasing me. It seemed more for me to brace ourselves. He said that in general, Austin gets along better with adult males, then females and that Austin was able to talk about a LOT of things he likes to go into, because Thom reported that his father knew a lot about world events and most like computers like Austin. Austin could pick out random countries in Europe or Africa and most often his Grandfather could have an understanding conversation with him. My ex was always very intelligent and much more world savvy.
I think I have to make a conscious decision that it is ok for Austin to like his Grandfather more than me his Grandmother. I don’t want to, but I think I have to because if I didn’t do it consciously, it might break my heart. Maybe part of it – the attraction is that the relationship is just new and exciting. I do hope for the sake of Austin and having extended family that his Grandfather makes efforts to connect with him while Thom is out of the country over the next several years. There is only a half hour between them, and he has a very nice large house and time to get to know his Grandson. I’d never take that away from someone. I’m pretty sure that the Grandfather had been thrilled to meet his Grandson.
He seemed to be in a very good mood on Tuesday when we saw them. It seems that life is coming together for him, and having so much family around must have made them happy. I guess it’s not his sister he’s visiting in TX, but Jacki’s daughters. So, that will be nice for them too. We’re not sure if we could get Thom to stay over Thanksgiving night, but there’s a possibility he arranged to sleep over at Alex’ or something. He’s married and doing well too, and I know Thom wanted to see his friend before leaving. I was glad he had a chance to be over at Joe’s last night. We left him there, but not sure if it were an overnight.
The logistics worked out well yesterday. We were within a few moments of being on time. It really worked out to pick up Joe and get that extra hour coming and going with him to Maury’s. We met Maury at the younger girls school because he was helping out with a choir/band experience. They were singing carols at nursing homes, and had arranged to come back to school for lunch. Maury and Nikki was helping the lunch part happen. I don’t think Maury had too much time for it, but Nikki probably stayed throughout.
Everyone got hugs getting in and out of cars. The boys took turns trying to run knowing I was coming in and out for more hugs. Yup that be the type of kids I have. LOTS of teasing! Maury had a couple suggestions and we decided to go to Chili’s for lunch. And, then afterward, we went over to his house and stayed around talking and watching the dogs play for some time afterward, then again we dropped Joe AND Thom off at Joes, and then we went home by ourselves. Rich was home so that was nice. We had a chance to talk and then move things along with him going to work on pieces and me going to the computer. We had left with Thom for Joe’s and Maury’s at 9:30 am and got back at 3:30 pm. It was a very full and exciting day. I’m pretty sure on one hand it will rank one of my highest days of the year. Buying and moving into a new home rank up there pretty high too!
I don’t want to go into a lot of conversation on the conversations had with the boys, but I do want to say a few things too. I think the hardest part was that I brought up the relationship issues between Maury’s family and Joe’s. They gave me a chance to say my piece, but then all jumped in to close things down. I was very frustrated with problems between my sons and Maury seemed the most hurt. Joe seemed the most oblivious, and Thom was defensive – protecting the private relationships with his brothers. I didn’t like the conclusion that seemed to be that nothing was getting better anytime soon and that they appreciated the casual relationship of them bumping into each other at family events periodically. I won’t go into more on that, but I was very hurt and disappointing that the situation couldn’t be moved along more. Maybe Thom will talk between the brothers a little more. In general it has to do with preserving privacy especially between Cari and the boys’ step-mother and Maury’s ex. I can see how it should be … just feeling disappointed with myself for not having the wherewithal to bring that situation more to a closed issue. I guess after that … just have to move along. I don’t feel I’m doing the right job as a mother to have kids who are arguing. I want the situation solved, but there are all adults and I can’t control any of them. It’s not my real role. I will remain supportive to anyone bettering the situation.
As to the rest of the afternoon, it was fun from the time it started forward. We got lost a little with the insiders. Sometimes they would say things and we didn’t know for sure if they were true or we were being teased. The boys are able to do each with no problems. They are each individually more advantaged, but together, it is like we’re WAY over our head. We wanted some sense that we’d done a good enough mothering job in that they all seemed to turn out very good, but they didn’t give me that piece of mind. We talked about a lot of things important to me – in a sense took us over a few things we’ve talked about over the years. Some were little and silly … like I reminded them that they’d taken our stuff dog and put him on out of reach on top of the bathroom door, and we were pretty sure we wanted to know who did it! They goofed around until Joe said, well if anyone had to cop to it, he would. That is quickly followed by his brothers who are now grateful, because that takes only Joe out of the will. *sigh* It’s like that a lot.
They also teased me from taking away learning opportunities for them. That leaves parts of us out who automatically feel bad for not doing something for them. But, then they brought up a few things that we’d done “wrong.” Like the educational experience of Joe driving (rolling) the car forward 6’ when he was 2 ½ or Joe and Thom climbing to the top of the third floor on our Victorian house. They told me we’d wrecked an astrological lesson they were having. They were still under ten and they were going to see something special in the sky that was supposed to be happening. It was the same for the nature lesson lost when I pulled Joe off the second floor porch because he’d saw a birds nest he wanted to explore.
It’s kind of a funny thing that we’ll have to talk over with Dr. Marvin. The boys probably remember these stories, because they’ve been told in our family over and over. They were each really scary situation we’d been in with them … and it plays in our mind to the point, that we must have been the most negligent mother. On the other side, we know at this point, that our kids were gifted, and for that – it was probably more normal that they were more investigative and unsafe. I feel guilt and thanksgiving both together with these types of stories. They are part of our family mythology. It seems also that these are the stories that the boys are recalling from me directly without their father.
I did tell them that I had gotten a hug from their father and it wasn’t too long or too short. Just right and that that was a nice thing. There is NOOOO illusion that that relationship would be restored any further. I would like a chance – like a lunch to sit down and talk things over in general, but there is no reason for that to happen. Although we share the same children, AND were married for about 13 years, there is absolutely no reason to be more connected now. It was nice of him to share a visual with the inside of his entrance area, and I’m sure he would have invited us in for longer, but Thom was pretty fast in hustling us back out … It was a strange period for us, because we were going through switches between our insiders and things were pretty cloudy/confused.
Maybe then not seeing him longer was a good thing. I honestly don’t know what we’d talk about. Neither of us need to talk about concerns over kids and Grandchildren. I know I’m not in a role to criticize his wife for her part of the interference between Maury and Maury’s ex-wife. I’d like to wring her neck though! Maury needs the privacy of his own personal life not to be expressed by his step-mother and SIL with their intrusiveness in filling in “the ex-wife about Maury’s current family, or telling the ex what they think about Maury and his family.” I really feel they have the right to make their own relationship choices, but they can’t be passing on “internal family things” to the detriment of Maury, Nikki and ALL FOUR of the girls. I guess I wasn’t going to say anything, but this does seem to be the crux of the problem. As to the males involved of my ex, and my youngest son Joe … I just think they are playing ignorant and inconsiderate of Maury to not hold their women in check as to personal boundaries.
Ok, you … that’s enough. I know I gotta move on … just don’t know what to do with all the frustration I am feeling because I think this is the most divisive thing my family has ever gone through. I hope it never gets worse. The boys all have handled well the divorce, but I’ve worked my entire life to assure that nothing comes between the three boys. I don’t know if they even know or care about the hurtful result of their behaviors. It’s hard to be respectful of them, because my three boys are more important to me than anything in the world and it really hurts that they aren’t closer than this stuff has driven them. I can’t help to think it isn’t anything other than an exaggerated power play. VERY UNFAIR! You should be able to trust your family to do no harm. They are ignoring natural boundaries.
It would actually be a nice thing if I could say these things direct without people being upset with me like yesterday for bringing the subject up. I’m thinking neither Cari nor my ex’s wife read my blog directly, but if they did … maybe it would be enough to open up the conversation. The problems aren’t about ANYTHING else … just trust and boundaries. I think their husbands are responsible too … maybe not directly, but again not seeing an end to this craziness.
OK … WE WILL MOVE ON!
There was another natural break with some other correspondence. The best was probably with Rich. His son had sent him a movie of his grandson that he couldn’t open on his laptop. Cute kid. I know Rich is very proud of him.
We’re back … we had to do some more correspondence. Seems like a lot of things are falling into place, AND of GREAT excitement – is that the Plural Group actually was doing more writing again. Maybe it’s just today because it’s a Saturday. We’re starting to have some problem focusing hmm. Let’s see we sent mail to the Quilting Girls, my Mother, and Dr. Marvin … I think we have to get more medicine on Tuesday to cover the holiday period when we won’t be seeing him.
Hmm, we will have to leave pretty soon I think … we’re too cold here and although we have a blanket on, Rich said we could turn on the fireplace. That’s a good deal. Maybe in a half hour when we take our medicine we could make the big move. I’m realizing that we’ve said very little about the event except the one negative spot. Other than that all seemed very good. Everyone seemed to get along and there was a lot of conversation and catching up at lunch. We were probably more centered on the dogs than anything heavy after lunch at Maury’s, but in general it went really well.
I will say that during the driving and lunch, we took a lot of rasping! It seems fair in that there are three of them and only one of us. Hehehe well sorta! That was part of the centeredness was that they were having fun with our various parts … I don’t know if they knew it or not … No one says those kinds of things out loud. But, even when complaining about who played the dog game on top of the door … they know different parts are responding. I don’t think they hurt anyone. Most of it is so gosh darn funny! They work very quickly in their speech and it just leads from one thing to another. Joe was just coming off of a very bad cold, so he was a little off, but I think in general he hangs back a little when the three are together. There was a funny moment when Joe put his leg on the railing and somehow challenged Thom to do the same. Joe’s leg extended in a 90 degree arc, but Thom only held his up about a foot. Had to giggle about that. There was one point they were throwing toothpicks at me too. Hmm…
Other than that I think it was all mental challenges. I didn’t really feel in charge of most things, but better than I have sometimes in the past. It was a funny feeling when I brought up my big concern and then Thom took it over to be protecting the “rights” of his brothers. That seemed very natural to me. He’s been a spokesman a lot. I really hope that means he’s taken care of some of my issues underneath the fence. I don’t have to be in it or solve the problem, I do need some sense that they are taking care of each other. They’ve always been a strong team before.
I wish I could collect all the funny things that were said, but again memory AND privacy. Well as far as a blogging mother goes. It was one of my favorite days ever! We might need a nap and to dream on it a bit.
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