I think my marriage is over, not a blip but time to actually stop living a lie and be the one who says time.
My wife and I have been together 8 years this year, are best friends but if truth be told we are simply going through the motions.
I have severe depression as well as anxiety, self-esteem and stress issues. This is important to know as it does play a part in both the marriage and the struggle to stay or go.
I have slept on the sofa for 4 years, we do have sex maybe a few times a week but I get rejected more than I get sex. To the point where I feel like we only have sex to shut me up and again no effort is made it’s the same positions etc. – boring.
I have lots of female friends on social media, mainly because I can speak to women about my mental health easier than I can to men, they are more sympathetic and better at understanding how I feel.
I am a flirty person by nature, it hides my insecurities but being flirty doesn’t mean I am a cheat does it! I have a little flirt for attention not because I am going to run away with someone else.
My wife doesn’t and never has trusted me. Recently I picked up her phone by mistake (we have the same phones) and noticed she had been logging into my Facebook account via her mobile phone and checking up on me, fine I have nothing there to hide but why check up on me in the first place?
Not only that but there are messages from vulnerable people discussing their own mental health and they wouldn’t want her to know their business.
Out of curiosity I checked the history on her phone and found that she had been doing interesting searches on Google.
How to leave your husband
What to say when leaving your husband
What to do when leaving your husband
Amongst others with this theme, this hurt more than the invasion of privacy.
We discussed this and decided that she should go and stay with her mom for a few days while she decided what she wanted.
However after 3 long days she came back, I have to admit I missed the kids more than I missed her but we talked in depth and decided to work on things.
A month later and NOTHING has changed back to the same old shit.
I cannot get over the knowledge that she wanted to leave me, she can do better than me and would be happier without me.
I am not attractive, I am overweight, wear glasses and have nothing offer anyone – due to my health I have been out of work 3 years so have no money or prospects.
I don’t know if I still love her or I am simply staying around because the thought of not having someone in my life scares me far too much. The same applies to her I guess…
I don’t think I would get with anyone else in the future, this scares the shit out of me. Yet I have started having feelings for other people, something that has never happened previously in my time with my wife. Is that a sign?
I don’t have the strength or energy to fight for someone I feel does not want to be with me.
I do not feel loved, I feel like this marriage is now becoming one of convenience because neither of us know how to end it!
I’m not convinced my mental health could cope with the ending or loss of the kids, even though we would still make sure I was a part of their lives. On the other side my mental health cannot currently cope with the situation I am in now.
Every part of me is telling me it is over.
Every part of me is telling me I can’t survive on my own.
Can you help me make sense of everything?
This inspirational post was written anonymously. I have full permission to share the story and it is true to the best of my knowledge. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous story please Contact Me.
