My Interview for Best Cities for Childfree Living

I was recently flattered to be interviewed by Estately for an article on the “Best U.S. Cities for Childfree Living.”  I’m thinking it had something to do with the name of my blog. My input is under New York. Honestly, I don’t know that any particular city is better than another for not having a kid, but I did my best to make shit up. They didn’t use most of my answers, so I thought I’d put them here. I can’t imagine why they didn’t use it all.

Estately: What do you think the best city is for child-free living and why?

Me: If I had unlimited money, New York would be the best city. I would eat out every night until my doorman had to roll me into the service elevator to get me home. Obviously, it’s difficult to take care of a child if you can’t reach around your own body. Plus, once I was too big to get out of the apartment, I might eat it. I’m thinking with a Pinot if what they say about people tasting like pork is true.

What are the best aspects of not having children?

Silence. Whenever we visit our nieces we’re stunned by the chaos and noise. Parents don’t even notice it. I’ve had whole conversations with my brother while his youngest was literally jumping up and down on his face screaming something about a Disney princess. On the downside, parents are developing ninja-like abilities to concentrate and I’m getting more and more weak minded.

The other bonus is lack of responsibility. My blog isn’t anti-kid, it’s usually about the goofy things my husband I do with our free time. I actually have quite a few Mom readers who stop by to experience the stupidity-bullet they dodged by having kids. For instance, one post was about smoking vodka. Moms can’t sit around smoking vodka for long before a kid tells a teacher that “mommy breathes smoke through a glass tube” and Child Services shows up. And Child Services are the worst house guests. They never bring wine.

What criteria would you use in measuring a city for being ideal for child-free living?

It should literally be half quiet reading spaces and half bars. Then go to City Hall and request a permit to build a Chuck E Cheese. If they burst into laughter and then chase you out of the office with pitchforks and torches, you’ve got a winner.

If you knew that having children would eventually prevent your elderly parents from moving in with you would you have kids?

Nah.  If you fill a kid’s tea with Benedryl they miss them at school.