Murderama - a Script I Once Wrote

THE SHORT
1. INT. LIVING ROOM, MRS. CLUSKEY'S HOUSE, APRIL 1974
We see in a florid floral wallpapered living room with a lamp beside the horrid sofa, and a mantle full of nick-nacks, a dusty, SOOTY-type teddy, a picture of a weeping cherub, a little pierrot doll, some Spanish dolls, bouquets, a game of Mastermind, an ornamental clock. We see sitting on the an old lady, MRS. CLUSKEY, purple dressing gown covered in stains, hair in curlers, dripping make-up on her face creating a grotesque LON CHANEY as the Phantom of the Opera-type image, is watching an old black and white Bakelite TV, clearly been used since the Coronation. She is watching some kind of local news report, ARCHIVE FOOTAGE. She is warm and comfortable. behind her we see something inside the florid, horrid, floral curtain, a human SHAPE, its arm stretched out over MRS. CLUSKEY's head. She does not notice. She exits the room, then quickly returns with a TROLLEY with tea and biscuits on it. She returns to her sofa.She eats a tea. The SHAPE in the curtain stretches over and snaps one of the biscuits, while MRS. CLUSKEY stares at the television set. At first, she does not notice, then she looks suspicious. She turns her head.
CUT - The SHAPE is hiding in the shapeless curtains.
2. INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRS, MRS. CLUSKEY'S HOUSE, APRIL 1974
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY enters the hallway and opens the cupboard under the stairs, yellowing, flaking paint on the cupboard door. The hallway is full of paintings of weeping cherubs. There are nick-nacks of hooded monks and pictures of family and so on.
CUT - We see inside the cupboard a grotesque-looking scarecrow, its head a bucket wearing a blonde wig, its eyes circles with dots in the middle badly painted on, its spine a broom and its arms smaller wooden poles tied to the broom, the poles wearing rubber gloves and holding (glued to a glove) a flick-knife.
CLOSE-UP - MRS. CLUSKEY screams.
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY runs to the edge of the corridor, by the door. She begins to ring the phone.
MRS. CLUSKEY (ringing the phone)
Is that the police? I've come to say that there is an intruder in the house.
VOICE ON PHONE (mysterious, creepy, shrill, child-like)
There is no one in the house. (Phone goes dead).
CLOSE-UP - MRS. CLUSKEY'S terrified eyes.
CUT - A hand knocks on the door. We see it through the glass. The cat-flap on the door briefly blows open to reveal the SHAPE's tartan trousers.
MRS. CLUSKEY (screaming, tearful, anguished)
Go away!
CUT - The hand knocks once more. MRS. CLUSKEY begrudgingly walks towards the door. She opens it. There is no one there.
CLOSE-UP - MRS. CLUSKEY rolls her eyes and smiles.
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY walks into the LIVING ROOM.
3. INT. LIVING ROOM, MRS. CLUSKEY'S HOUSE, APRIL 1974
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY returns to sit in her chair. She looks squeamish.
CLOSE-UP - We see a dead rat in her mug of tea, the tail hanging out, touching the handle of the mug.
CLOSE-UP - MRS. CLUSKEY screams. We hear children giggling in the background. She looks unsettled.
CUT - The SHAPE jumps out of the curtains. It is a girl in 70s clothes, brown hair, aged about 14, MRS. CLUSKEY'S GRANDDAUGHTER, ALICE.
ALICE (leaping out)
Gran!
MRS. CLUSKEY (horrified)
My dear Alice, why are you here?
ALICE (cheerful)
Me and my brother were celebrating April Fool's Day!
MRS. CLUSKEY (turning sinister, OTT, crazed)
It's after 12 O'Clock, and It's not April Fool's Day! It's April the Second! You and Malcolm shall be punished!
ALICE (horrified)
Oops, I forgot.
CLOSE-UP - MRS. CLUSKEY looks venomous, almost evil, insane, and laughs evilly.
4. INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRS, MRS. CLUSKEY'S HOUSE, APRIL 1974
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY drags ALICE by her ear into the Cupboard under the stairs, and locks the screaming girl in it with the scarecrow as punishment.
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY exits and sees on the stairs a bespectacled boy in a 1970s LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND-type suit with blond hair in a pudding bowl fringe, MALCOLM, her grandson, holding a pipe that fires darts.
MALCOLM (firing dart from his mouth)
You killed my sister!
MRS. CLUSKEY (weeping)
I didn't!
CUT - MRS. CLUSKEY is hit by the dart, and is drowsy. She drags MALCOLM, now screaming, by the ear into the kitchen.
MRS. CLUSKEY (angry)
You'll be having your dinner!
5. INT. OVEN, KITCHEN, HOUSE
CUT - We see in a bubbling pot filled with soup, a half-roasted face wearing glasses and has pudding bowl blond hair, in a kitchen with pumpkin-orange tiles and gray linoleum floors, a dated 70s kitchen. Is it MALCOLM? A shadow overlooks the door, that of ALICE.
0. INT. BLACK SCREEN
FADE-IN - The film begins with white lettering against a black screen, a booming male VOICE reading out the text.
TEXT (as read by VOICE)
This film has been made using a sterling new process. First 3D, then Cinerama, now Murderama. Never has the silver screen been so red with blood! This print has been equipped with a Murder-O-Meter.
CUT - A Murder-O-Meter, a thermometer-type device pops up by the TEXT on the side of the scree. It has a bell on top.
TEXT (VOICE continuing to read it)
The Murder-O-Meter measures the intensity of the murder from the chase of the victim to the killing itself. If it hits the bell, you will hear the Murderama Warning. This will signify that the scene is not for those with a nervous disposition. Murderama will automatically tint the screen green to warn the viewer, and then red when the murder will appear. We, the film-makers hope that this is an easy, informative and comforting tool for this film, which we shall hope shock, entertain and inform...
FADE-OUT.
1. EXT. LONDON BACKSTREET, NIGHT, LATE 2OTH CENTURY (PRE-CREDITS)
FADE-IN - We see a relatively mundane, empty back street. A caption pops up - "LONDON". A lone figure, a young woman, ANNE wanders the streets. She is wearing a skirt and a low-cut blouse. She is behind a house, a bucket tied with rope to the roof.
CLOSE-UP - ANNE reacts with horror.
POV - We see through the killer's eyes. The screen is filtered through a GREEN-TINT.
CUT - ZOOM at ANNE's low-cut blouse.
CUT - The killer's black-gloved hand lashes out a penknife and cuts some rope, hung outside the house.
CUT - We see the bucket hung on the roof of the house falling down. It is full of hot Vaseline. The screen goes through a RED-TINT.
CLOSE-UP - ANNE screams, covered with Vaseline. The MURDER-O-METER appears, and the MURDERAMA WARNING (a loud bell ring) is played.
CLOSE-UP - The Vaseline melts, as the RED-TINT fades out. The white Vaseline melts away to reveal that ANNE is now a skeleton.
2. EXT. LONDON BACKSTREET, DAY, LATE 20TH CENTURY
CUT - The very same LONDON BACKSTREET, but redressed, a COCKNEY NEWSBOY in flat-cap dispenses newspapers, all of them flat and on their back, in order to save on making a fake newspaper cover.
COCKNEY NEWSBOY (loud, young, enthusiastic)
Read all about it, young woman killed by Vaseline booby trap! Read all about it, Scotland Yard puzzled by killing! Read all about it, is it murder, suicide or manslaughter?
CLOSE-UP - A hand grabs one of the papers, and puts it up in a brown bag. The CAMERA pulls away to reveal that the figure is a young, attractive girl, TYSON, pretty, pale, dark-haired, in a big coat.
CUT - TYSON looks curious, flicking through the unseen newspaper. She ooh-es and ahh-es.
TYSON (her mind's voice, inside her head, mannered, English, OOV)
If I lay a trap for the killer, then I can trace him!
CUT - A few minutes later, the street is empty. There is no COCKNEY NEWSBOY there. TYSON mops the streets, dressed in a raggedy blue dress as some kind of Victorian cleaner. The CAMERA floats over her, and the GREEN-TINT appears. A figure comes towards TYSON.
CUT - The figure is seen standing over the hunched Tyson. It is ELDRITCH MUDIE, a tall, saturnine man with a trim black beard and granny-glasses, dressed in gardening overalls, top hat and fingerless globes with a cane.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (calling TYSON in Upper-class Mid-Atlantic voice, the GREEN-TINT fades, no RED-TINT)
Hello, young lady, are you by any chance a native?
CLOSE-UP - TYSON turns.
TYSON (in faked Cockney accent)
Yeh, luv, you could say that!
ELDRITCH MUDIE (OOV, friendly)
Hmm, a tartlet, how attractive!
TYSON (quizzical)
You talkin' about me, luv?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (OOV, fanatical, his glove coming into shot)
Oh, yes, of course! What is your name?
TYSON (rolling her eyes)
Tyson is my name. You gonna murder me, aren't you?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (OOV, suave)
Tyson, what an unusual name!
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE looks shocked, is taken aback.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (trying to hide his discomfort)
No, of course not!
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE stamps down his cane, gas billowing out of it. The GREEN-TINT comes back and the MURDER-O-METER appears, but never moves past 0 and therefore no WARNING is sounded.
CUT - TYSON collapses, surrounded by fog.
3. INT. MOBILE LABORATORY, DAY, LATE 20TH CENTURY
CUT - TYSON wakes up, still in her maid-cleaner garb. Her mouth is covered with duct tape, and her hairs are tied behind her back with slug-skinned tape. She is a small room, in the back of a van, filled with 'futuristic' 1960s control panels, thermometer screens and knobs and levers and general techno-retro goodness.
CLOSE-UP - On TYSON's hands, tied together behind her back with tape that resembles the slimy, sticky skin of a slug.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON's face, she looks uncomfortable.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (00V, over TANNOY, gleeful, over the top, charismatic, like a Bond villain, played over TYSON's ever uncomfortable face, her mouth masked with tape)
I am Eldritch Mudie. I am not a murderer, more a specialist in the art of manslaughter. I am not here. No, you are in a van, driven by one of my honourable cohorts far and away in a mobile laboratory to my remote mansion abode.
CUT - TYSON lifts her tied-together hands over her head and boxes the air while jumping.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (OOV, clever, kind, charismatic, authority figure)
No play-acting, my dear! I am here to drain the bloods, different types to create a compote, a kind of antibiotic strawberry yoghurt with no strawberries that is needed in an astounding experiment that I hope you are willing enough to sacrifice yourself for, as it is utterly marvelous. In fact, I severely hope it will win the Nobel Prize.
CUT - As MUDIE stops, a cut-off noise is heard. TYSON looks around. She lifts the sliding door to the other part of the van.
CUT - GREEN-TINT - Behind the door is a huge CRAB, steering the van. It is orange-red, with rough skin and huge pincers, the claws dipped in thick white greasepaint.
CRAB (screaming)
Ack! Ack! Ack-an-Ack-Ack-an-Ack!
CUT - Switches from GREEN-TINT to RED-TINT TYSON is grabbed by the CRAB.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks uncomfortable, as the CRAB's pincers cover her neck. She swings her hands.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON's hands' tape is separated by the CRAB's pincers.
CUT - TYSON jumps out and kicks the CRAB.
CLOSE-UP - The CRAB's ripped skin shows through an intricate network of clockwork cogs and wires. It is a fake.
CUT - RED-TINT wears off. The CRAB falls off, revealing the bad back-projection of the English countryside behind it.
CUT - The MOBILE LABORATORY stops. A moustachioed TRAFFIC POLICEMAN in full raincoat-cape and British bobby uniform enters. He has dragged in his bicycle.
TRAFFIC POLICEMAN (Cockney)
Hello, 'ello, 'ello!
CLOSE-UP - A horrified TYSON.
CLOSE-UP - ELDRITCH MUDIE is the smiling POLICEMAN.
CUT - Now in GREEN-TINT - ELDRITCH MUDIE grabs TYSON and jumps off where the CRAB was.
CUT - Switches from GREEN-TINT to RED-TINT - To portray the demise of the MOBILE LABORATORY, cut to footage of a burning car rolling off a cliff.
FADE-OUT.
4. INT. CAVERN LAB, LATE 20TH CENTURY
FADE-IN - TYSON awakens and walks from her bed, still wearing her ruined dress. She is in a cavern with a low ceiling, clearly a light yellow-stone cave that has become ELDRITCH MUDIE's main laboratory. There, behind a surgical stretcher in full surgeon's gear, slightly less dapper is ELDRITCH MUDIE, in surgical smock, stubbled, and with scruffy, unruly gray hair, by a stretcher and a desk/medical console full of pencils, notepads, levers, pulleys, buttons, flick-switches and other technical gubbins, and a rubbish chute entrance.
TYSON (staring at the low ceiling)
You look different!
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE coos over a dead body wrapped up on the stretcher.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (charismatic, smiling)
Well, I thought I was too devastatingly handsome. Some of us can't keep up being our Sunday best for a whole week.
CUT - TYSON shrugs.
TYSON (sceptical)
How did you do it, sir?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (humbled)
Thank you for calling me sir! Well, it is a partially scientific, partially organic-biological process that some call regeneration.
TYSON (OOV, shocked)
How?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (handling the technobabble extremely well, talking fast)
Oh, well it is a simple process, really. It is where body fats, skin cells, body cells, hair are commanded by the brain to rapidly change via usage of an anabolic stereo-ray! I'm still the same, just I look a bit older, scruffier, in my Monday worst.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks disheartened and slightly confused.
TYSON (confused)
Would you ever change back?
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE checks the body once more, then presses a button and drops it through a lava-filled trap door. A lava spout flows out, as the stretcher is lowered down.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (as ash billows upward)
Well I can change back automatically, as all the information is stored in my body. Hmm, smell my lava! However, this is my default form. The other form, my younger self was used as a disguise to evade the Metropolitan Police. It was really just a disguise, and a slight tearful reminder of my days when I was young and a charming roué...
TYSON (OOV)
What do you do here?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (pouring out a glass of wine)
I run a bed and breakfast. That's how I source the blood types. It was a horrific experiment that Agnes was involved in.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks quizzical.
TYSON (confused)
Agnes?
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE has spilt the wine over the console.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (nodding, deadpan)
Yes, my son. It was my wife's fault. She wanted to call him after her father. It was a boy's name long ago. Poor Irene. She died of a hernia. I tried to break the hiatus, but I prolonged it by approximately 500 per cent.
CUT - TYSON pus her hand up.
TYSON (querying)
Can I see him?
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE looks stern.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (quizzical)
Who, Agnes?
TYSON (OOV, enthusiastic)
Yes, Agnes.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (fidgeting)
No.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks rebellious.
TYSON (curious)
Why not?
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE pulls out of his sleeve a handkerchief and mock-sobs into the handkerchief to add dramatic effect to his story.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (serious, tetchy)
No, he is in very serious condition. He is more animal than human. He is unrecognisable. I have to keep him in a secret chamber. I can only feed him scraps. His metabolism has mutated so much to the point that I would no longer call it a diet.
CUT - TYSON moves over on the left side of the screen, while ELDRITCH MUDIE is stood on the right side.
TYSON (curious)
Will you kill me?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (laughing maniacally)
Hahhahahahahaahahahaha! Hahhahahahahaahahahaha! No!
TYSON (suspicious)
Why not?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (smiling)
I have been utterly charmed by your beauty.
TYSON (cooing)
Oh thanks!
CUT - A figure with a trolley (full of cabbages, pumpkins, television remotes, voodoo dolls, tongs, videotape) glides in. This is BUTLER, a scruffy black-haired hunchback, a scar over his face, disfiguring his left eye. He has blotchy skin, is wearing a bra for no reason under piles and piles of dirty brown cloth and RUPERT BEAR tartan trousers.
BUTLER (in thick incomprehensible foreign accent)
Helloboss, 'ello boss, hallo boss, 'allo bus!
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE looks pleased. BUTLER is in the center of the frame, between TYSON and ELDRITCH MUDIE.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (pleasant smile)
Oh, Butler, you have arrived. Tyson, my dear, this is Butler.
TYSON (attempting to shake ELDRITCH MUDIE's hand, sounds unsure)
Hello, Butler...
BUTLER (coughing on TYSON, mumbling)
Argh-loo, arr-gyah, tittyfull Crabtree!
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks as if her stomach has gone 360.
CLOSE-UP - ELDRITCH MUDIE looks pleasant enough.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (smiling)
I think he says 'Welcome, young woman full of spirit. I hope you are going to have a pleasant journey in your admittedly quite short life, until you are hit by a tram at the age of forty-six and a half'.
CUT - BUTLER presses down a button on a television remote.
CUT - A sliding door opens out from the cave and a large muscular bare-chested man, KARKOFF walks out and flexes his muscles.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (OOV, gregarious, gentlemanly, suave)
This is my current subject, Karkoff. He is being sucked out of blood, alive, and because he has been put into a trance, he does not realize it!
CUT - In GREEN-TINT, BUTLER places in a huge spiked sphere into the center of KARKOFF's chest, leaving loads of bloody holes. BUTLER then places in tons of straws connected to a white bag.
CLOSE-UP - Switches to RED-TINT, A shot of BUTLER squeezing KARKOFF's chest, and all of the blood goes through the straws and into the bags, turning the bag a bright red. The MURDER-O-METER appears and goes-up to the top, and rings.
CUT - BUTLER drops dead, and in SLOW-MOTION TYSON runs towards his collapsing body. The RED-TINT bleeds off the screen, and it reverts to normal color.
TYSON (angry)
Why do you do this? You are a monster! You slaughter the innocent. I am leaving!
CLOSE-UP - A forlorn-looking ELDRITCH MUDIE pulls down a lift-lever.
CUT - TYSON goes through a sliding door and enters a lift.
CUT - As TYSON moves along, BUTLER randomly pulls out a rope and tries to put a noose around TYSON's neck to hang her. The GREEN-TINT appears.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON pulls the too-big noose over her head like a hoodie and the GREEN-TINT bleeds off again. The lift goes upward.
5. INT. DINING ROOM/MANOR, NIGHT, LATE 20TH CENTURY
CUT - TYSON rises up in the lift, a giant dumbwaiter in the ornate wood-panelled Victorian dining room, the back being a huge sash-window with Gothic décor, candelabra, and billowing curtains. Around a dinner-table are various figures in Victorian dress, ensconced in a trance, young PEOPLE frozen, all pale and with slightly faded red scars from bleeding. Their plates hold almost inedible slop, a kind of porridge-beef casserole combination. The CAMERA follows TYSON, who waves her hands in front of the people, but the PEOPLE do not notice. They could be dead, but their faces are fresh, and they occasionally blink. They are clearly breathing.
TYSON (talking to the people)
Hello, are you alive?
CUT - There is silence. Then, in GREEN-TINT, a DARK-HAIRED WOMAN falls, dressed in black funeral lace.
CLOSE-UP - We see in RED-TINT the head of the DARK-HAIRED WOMAN on the floor, her neck bleeding, already full of bleeding scars. Out of the wooden floorboards rises a little straw-pipe that drains out the blood. The DARK-HAIRED WOMAN (in STOP-MOTION sped-up time) quickly dissolves into a husk. The MURDER-O-METER appears and it goes up to the top.
CUT - The noise of the MURDERAMA bell awakens the PEOPLE who start to dine and chat in a strange sort of incomprehensible foreign chatter. A BLOND FOP, mid-twenties, posh, Ivy League turns.
BLOND FOP (to TYSON)
What in the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea are you doing here? It is lunchtime!
CLOSE-UP - TYSON rolls her eyes.
TYSON (confused)
I am sorry. I do not know you.
CUT - GREEN-TINT - The BLOND FOP leads his MOB of PEOPLE, all of them pale and with frozen expressions. They all look bored. Suddenly, out of the floor rises a bulldozer, covered in steampunk-type glass piping and swirling propeller blades. It is driven by a rudimentary silver bucket-headed TIN MAN-type ROBOT, who grabs TYSON and safely puts her on the back of the bulldozer.
CUT - The RED-TINT bleeds onto the screen, as more and more blood appears, the propeller blades dismembering bodies. The pipes suck up the blood, turning the pipes red.
CUT - In the DUMB-WAITER, ELDRITCH MUDIE appears, and fires a plasticky-looking laser 'ZAPGUN'.
CUT - The bulldozer is hit by the 'ZAPGUN' and promptly disintegrates (portrayed by the bulldozer suddenly vanishing, with a fade, partly transparent image of a firework superimposed), causing the RED-TINT to fade. TYSON and the ROBOT are left standing, where the bulldozer had been.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (walking towards where the bulldozer was)
No, what malarkey was that, eh?
TYSON (patting the ROBOT)
I don't know, what is this Robot?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (polishing the ROBOT)
Just another assistant, if Butler gets a bit overused! He is human, you see, while this obviously is not. I shall now show you the Piece De Resistance.
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE pulls out a remote control and presses it own.
CUT - The sash-window opens up to reveal a fridge covered with steampunk glass and bronze tubular piping similar to that on the bulldozer. Majestic choral music is heard. The fridge opens up to bathing white light.
CUT - ELDRITCH MUDIE immerses himself in the light.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (in awe of his own creation)
Ah, my son, my son, what have I done?
CUT - The body of AGNES is revealed, completely covered in Vaseline.
AGNES (distant, quiet)
Woof, woof!
CLOSE-UP - TYSON looks mystified.
TYSON (almost laughing)
Is he a dog?
ELDRITCH MUDIE (solemn)
Yes, due to a botched experiment to make him more handsome, so he could attract a woman, in order to keep the Mudie dynasty going!
CUT - The Vaseline slowly slides off AGNES, revealing that he is tall, thin and bony and covered in shaggy light brown fur, has huge round eyes like ping pong balls with a big black dot at the center. He looks both laughable and pathetic.
CUT - BUTLER arrives in the dumbwaiter.
CLOSE-UP - AGNES has his mouth open, a deep, enraged look in his eyes, his mouth open with horror, signifying the GREEN-TINT, as it bleeds in.
CUT - AGNES jumps and pounces upon BUTLER, as the RED-TINT merges out of the GREEN-TINT.
CUT - In RED-TINT, AGNES holds an arrow over BUTLER.
SPLIT-SCREEN - We see the arrow go through BUTLER from the outside on the left, and on the right, as the MURDER-O-METER screams the MURDERAMA WARNING as the METER reaches the top, a shot of inside the body, the arrow piercing through the heart, and separating it from the rest of the body.
CUT - BUTLER is thrown into the fridge, where ELDRITCH MUDIE's organ appears. AGNES enters, BUTLER's body impaled on the organ pipes, which suck up his blood. ELDRITCH MUDIE enters and tunelessly plays in anger.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (angry, while playing along)
You didn't need to kill him, son! He was a help to us!
AGNES (growling)
I wanna be a dog!
CUT - GREEN-TINT - ELDRITCH MUDIE exits the fridge and pulls down a lever to reveal tons of disembodied arms reaching down through holes in the ceiling, grabbing AGNES.
CUT - RED-TINT - Anguished, AGNES is haunted by the superimposed image of a black-and-white HEADLESS HORSEMAN wearing a pumpkin-head holding his disembodied head (an arrow through it, the open ear flap revealing a still pulsating brain) in one hand and an arm in the other.
CUT - AGNES grabs a mirror from the wall and uses it a giant blade to slice the arms down. The MURDER-O-METER appears, goes up to as far it can go, and AGNE screams the MURDERAMA WARNING.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (trying to calm his son, lamenting)
Damn the zombie arms! Even voodoo cannot stop my son!
CUT - The RED-TINT bleeds off the screen. TYSON suddenly lashes into Kung-Fu.
TYSON (XENA-style wailing)
Hee-haw, dog-arse!
CUT - TYSON kicks AGNES as much as she can. She hits his crotch a good few too many times. He tries to box her, but his arms are not long enough, and he keeps tearing his ligaments. It is a prolonged fight, that takes up most of the end of the film. It goes on and on. Eventually, TYSON picks up AGNES, despite being a petite girl and throws the clearly inflatable AGNES.
CUT - The inflatable AGNES hits the fridge and causes it to explode, a RED-TINT appears for a second, accompanied by a brief MURDER-O-METER hitting nine, and then vanishing. His body slides downward into a pit, full of mechanical crap-pincers intertwined by deadly gas-billowing killer weed.
CLOSE-UP - ELDRITCH MUDIE is disgusted.
ELDRITCH MUDIE (intensely disheartened)
You killed my son! At least the gas will now be stronger due to inhaling more oxygen, but still!
CUT - TYSON kicks ELDRITCH MUDIE and jumps over him. She is acrobatic. ELDRITCH MUDIE is on the floor and grabs TYSON's leg. The floor then collapses.
6. INT. CAVERN LAB, LATE 21ST CENTURY
CUT - TYSON, having fallen through the cave picks up ELDRITCH MUDIE and puts him on the stretcher, and places the stretcher into a chute, labelled 'rubbish'. Only the MURDERAMA WARNING is heard squeaking, as ELDRITCH MUDIE is sped along into the furnace.
CUT - The MURDERAMA WARNING is heard, as TYSON lifts out a Sheriff's Badge in her pocket.
INSPECTOR WATSON (heard through Sheriff's Badge, OOV)
This is your Scotland Yard handler, Inspector John Watson. Your next mission is exciting, weird and mystifying.
TYSON (speaking into badge, using awful English posh accent)
Alright, Inspector, I will accept the mission!
CUT - TYSON clicks down on the badge and teleports away.
7. INT. SECRET SERVICE TOWER, DAY, LATE 20TH CENTURY
CUT - TYSON appears, dressed in flouncy pink samurai gear, her skirt puffed out like a bladed tutu, big ruffled shoulder pads and no helmet. Her hair is in a beehive.
WIDE-SHOT - TYSON is in a huge domed area, a giant swastika in a circle at the center.
CUT - Suddenly, bands of WHITE NINJAS and BLACK NINJAS appear. The WHITE NINJAS and BLACK NINJAS include FEMALE NINJAS in hooded wedding dress-type outfits, the BLACK NINJAS' dresses coated black.
CUT - TYSON pulls out a nunchuk from her underskirt.
CUT -TYSON uses the nunchuk, which pulls away and launches a grenade. The MALE BLACK NINJAS come around TYSON, all three of them.
CLOSE-UP - The FIRST MALE NINJA's head explodes, when the grenade-nunchuk hits him, accompanied by a MURDER-O-METER-less RED-TINT, the blood causing the TINT flowing out of the head-explosion.
CLOSE-UP - The SECOND MALE NINJA unravels his mask to find that he is invisible, and his clothes fall down, implying he has died of shock.
CUT -The THIRD MALE NINJA rips off his outfit to reveal he is a sombrero-hatted MEXICAN with a duelling pistol.
CUT - TYSON pulls out a zap-gun and aims it at the CAMERA.
CUT - The MEXICAN is hit by a laser fired from the zap-gun and is turned into mush that wipes the RED-TINT off the screen.
CUT - TYSON runs past the FEMALE NINJAS, towards an eight-foot replica of the Eiffel Tower. She climbs but, but it breaks, when she is still hung onto it tightly. She jumps off it. The CAMERA pulls away to reveal that she is now on the desk of Scotland Yard.
8. INT. SCOTLAND YARD OFFICE, DAY
CUT - INSPECTOR WATSON, a figure seen only from the back is sitting in a leather chair.
INSPECTOR WATSON (tough, Scottish)
My new mission is for you to train this automaton.
CUT - In the limelight otherwise surrounded by darkness, stands ELDRITCH MUDIE's ROBOT, not so dead after all.
CLOSE-UP - TYSON smiles.
TYSON (confident)
I think I can handle it.
THE END.