Today's Epiphany
(This post was originally scheduled to be 30 Little-Known Facts About Me, but I've already written something similar to that and I had these thoughts swirling, so I made a command decision to change the topic at the last minute.)
I realized today that my anxiety didn't start with the traumatic birth of my son, but as a young child myself. I didn't have words for it then and didn't have the support for it even if I had. It started with my parents multiple separations and reconciliations. It manifested itself as fat lips. I used to chew my bottom lip to the point of creating holes and face-deforming swelling. It was something I could focus my attention on besides the turmoil going on in my life. I was rarely without a painful and swollen bottom lip, because I was rarely without anxiety.
I used to get scolded for chewing my lip, so I became more sly about my chewing as I got older. I moved onto chewing the inside of my cheeks, which, after 30+ years of doing this, have become covered in scar tissue. I also began picking at and chewing my cuticles. It is a rarity, even now, that I have 10 healthy fingers. As I look at my hands now, I only have one bloody spot, which is actually quite impressive for me.
Obviously, my son's birth didn't help. Whereas I was always able to keep my anxiety to myself before, it has now bubbled out into my life in other, more pervasive ways that affect those around me. I stop my son and husband from doing things, because of my own irrational anxieties. I can only handle so much clutter and mess before I absolutely flip the eff out. I get terribly angry with my husband when he does something wrong, because I am somehow able to connect it back to my son and how he'll be negatively affected.
As I considered talking to my doctor about changing from Zoloft to another anti-depressant with anti-anxiety meds included, I began to feel anxious about that, as well. "What if a new med dulls my edge? What if the things I've been so anxious about happening actually do happen, because I wasn't uber-aware." I was aware that this was my anxiety talking, but then the whole cycle started again.
Eventually, I talked to my doctor and we've together decided to change from the Zoloft to Wellbutrin. This should help with my anxiety with the added benefit of ceasing to dampen my sex drive, which SSRIs such as Zoloft notoriously do. We'll see. Suffice it to say, I'm anxious.
