Me and Mom. She is very short.
Moms are great. But they are totally nuts. It isn’t their fault. Raising children would make anyone crazy. And half the time, they’re crazy just trying to be nice. It’s like love oozes out of their pores in the form of insanity sweat.
Take my favorite conversation between my mother-in-law and my husband:
Mike: Ma, our plane gets there at 3.
Mary my mother-in-law: Ok I made pasta!
Mike: Amy doesn’t like sauce. She just likes it with butter and cheese.
Mary: Oh.. ok, I’ll make a pink sauce, too!
Mike: Ma, she doesn’t like sauce. Just butter and cheese.
Mary: Ok. I’ll make a white sauce! I know how to do that!
Mike: MA SHE DOESN’T WANT SAUCE! NO SAUCE!
Mary: Well I’ll just make a little of each sauce then…
And the conversation I had with my mother a THIS MORNING:
Mom: What was that text message?
Me: You mean the group message with you, dad and Derek? (my brother).
Mom: Yes, that.
Me: You mean where I said “whatever you do, don’t talk about what a dork Derek is because this is a group message with him?”
Mom: Yes. (sounding very serious)
Me: It was a joke.
Mom: We don’t get it.
Me: IT’S A GROUP MESSAGE. You’re all reading it, and I’m saying “don’t talk about Derek like you usually do” but Derek is getting that message… get it?
Mom: No.
Me: I said “If Derek sees you talking about him it will destroy his fragile ego.”
Mom: I know! (horrified)
Me: MOM – Derek is 90% ego. There is nothing fragile about his ego. HE WAS IN ON THE MESSAGE. Get it? It was a joke.
Mom: *pause*
We don’t get it.
If I tweet/post that I was pulled over by Russian police for the sake of a joke on social media, my mother will email me:
Where did you run into Russian police??? Are you ok??
Gotta love ‘em!
Happy Mother’s Day to All the NUTS!
Read more about my mother’s foibles (and those of many other funny ladies) by buying the amazing book “Moms Are Nuts!”
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