Looks like Monochrome Mondays is getting into a little competition with what I’ve called Thinking Thursdays. The ‘thinking’ part is something that’s justifiable with two words: drinking spree or binge drinking (this or that, whatever floats your boat).
The introduction of alcohol into my system seems to exacerbate my fucked up symptoms. At the same time, it also allows me to evaluate or reflect on them. Thoughts and emotions buried deep were resurrected shot after shot, set after set. Now I’m at a point where I start to look for it because 5 days of sobriety numbs me out. Not sure about the reason but yeah, that’s what I tell myself.
The last Thursday of August was a bit of a shock; a turning point of the worst kind. I came up with this piece of shizz during my healing days thanks to berlin-artparasites, Lang Leav, Michael Faudet, and Christopher Poindexter casually appearing on my news feed.
“With my eyes I see flashes of light,
for you it’s not real but for me it might
I see galaxies and I see stars,
for you it’s not reality just mental scars
I could be crazy and inside I’m dead,
some words are better when they’re left unsaid
Flashes of light and buckets of tears,
please go away along with my fears…”
Anyway, the extreme opposite happened a week later which happens to be the first Thursday of September. It was the best, real-est, most honest moment that happened to me this year. A familiar scent with that sense of warmth… I held on to it for as long as I can. Oh, happy tears! It might not happen again. No, not without the help of some vodka.
“And in the end, we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.” ― Christopher Poindexter
On one occasion, I drank alone watching Prozac Nation over and over again. I have seen it a couple of times already but it never fails to give me the puffy eyes. Here are some of the scenes that made me 😥
Fast forward to today, here I am. Getting better or worse? Neither. If only I could accept the reality that some things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to be, that I just have to suck it up and face life. I wanted things to be different but I’m too afraid to take the first step.
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