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I can remember from a very young age that I wanted to get married to my perfect prince and to have a family. Still after the horrors I have already gone through I never thought that day would come. I met my partner James.
I met him online and we hit it off really well. I never hid the fact that I wanted marriage and kids. James already had a little boy and he was just adorable in every way and 11 months old.
After doing a long distance relationship or two years we moved in together. It didn’t last. Six months later we split and I was back living at home. I was devastated. Not only did I lose James but I lost his little boy as well. Looking back at it now I find it quite funny as we weren’t together but we still spoke daily and I even saw him one in March, April and May and we were still sleeping together.
I was kicked out of home in June, just shy of my birthday. I was back with James and moving into his parent’s house with him. What joys but still I had James and his baby back in my life. We stayed there for 6 months until moving into our own place again. I hoped this time it would work but it didn’t. Six months later I was renting a room. It was horrible. I ended up staying at the house with James in the same bed and still sleeping together more often than not.
He then came out with what by now was the classic, I’m sorry I’ve made a mistake; I love you and need you in my life. I remember it being his 30th birthday and as harsh as it sounds I told him I didn’t t know if I still loved him. He had messed me around, broke my heart twice and kicked me out.
How did I know he wouldn’t do it again? I wouldn’t have been able to cope with him breaking my heart again. He caused me to slip into depression and I was suicidal several times and had taken several overdoses. It took me ages to believe what he was saying. Especially when he started saying that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me.
I was over the moon that he was saying that to me but I didn’t know if it was just a case of him knowing what to say to me to get me back in his life.
Heading nearly a month on, I ended up living with him again and then going down the right channels with the doctors regarding me and pregnancy as I suffer from epilepsy. Everything turned out ok, I was on the right medication and I knew about the risks if any to come my way. I would be monitored more often as well due to my medication.
I came off the pill in June, had my first bleed late July and fell pregnant in the August. I was only a day late which was normal for me anyway. I had to go to town and for some reason I went and brought a pregnancy test. I had no intention of buying one, so to this day I still can’t tell you why I brought it.
I went home and did the test, I know that you should do it with the first wee of the day but as soon as the test started working it was as clear as day that I was pregnant. I was over the moon and so was my partner.
I phoned the doctors and they booked me an appointment with the midwife for my booking in appointment. That appointment I was overloaded with so much information it was unreal. She explained that she would send off for me to have my 12 week scan, which would take a while to come through. My appointment was on the Friday.
We spent most of Saturday talking and chilling in front of TV. We didn’t do much Sunday day time but curled up together on the sofa watching the TV. I went to the toilet as i felt very wet, kind of like when you need the toilet that badly a little escapes.
When I got to the toilet the first thing I did was wipe. I was very shaken and horrified at what I saw. I yelled for James and he was concerned. The tissue was bright red. I was bleeding and it was more than spotting. I wiped again and not much blood was there.
Being pregnant for the first time I wanted advice so I rang the midwife at the hospital and they said to ring the doctors in the morning or ring the on call doctors. So I decided to ring the doctors first thing in the morning. I got seen quite quickly and I had stopped bleeding so they just put it down to spotting. I went home and did my normal daily activities.
That night at around the same time as the night before I went to the toilet before I went to bed, like I always do and again there was blood on the tissue, not as much as the night before but still it was bright red blood. I told James and again i rang the midwife at the hospital. It was the same midwife as the night before and she was surprised that the doctor hadn’t referred me to the Early Pregnancy Unit for a scan.
She gave me the same advice as the night before. This time I decided to ring the on call doctors as I was starting to get cramp pains. The on call doctors rang me back quickly and he advised A&E. We got there at midnight, after a lot of waiting around I ended up at the Early Pregnancy Unit to have a scan. We waited what seemed ages for someone to do the scan.
A nurse came up to us at 4am and told us the person that was coming to do the scan had got called away on an emergency and that we should come back the next day for a scan. They booked me in for 11;30am. By the time we had got home it was nearly 5am. James was meant to be going to work the next day but he got me to phone in sick for him. I think i got about 3 hours sleep if that.
I was worried sick by the time we got back to the hospital. I went in for the scan at mid day. They couldn’t find anything doing an ultra sound so i ended up having an internal scan. Not the most pleasant thing to have. I tried looking at the screen but I had no idea what I was looking for. After what seemed hours she finally spoke “its bad news I’m afraid”.
I laid there and just cried. My trousers and knickers were still hanging around my ankles. My world came crashing down. They told me to go and sit outside and wait for the doctor to call me in to have a chat. They made it sound like it was a casual chat but it wasn’t. I pulled my trousers up and cleaned myself up and went and sat outside.
All I wanted to do was leave the hospital. James hardly spoke to me, which didn’t help. I wanted and needed his support but I don’t think he knew what to say to me. In all honesty nothing he would have said to me would have made me feel better.
We were called in to see the doctor. My baby had died at 6+5. I didn’t want to believe it, I couldn’t. I had only just found out I was pregnant and now I’m being told my baby is dead. She told me there was a blood clot right above where the baby was developing so that might have been the cause for the miscarriage. She spoke about my options.
I had three to choice from. 1 – To let my body “expel” the foetus naturally, 2 – the medical route or 3 – to have surgery.
I decided to let my body do it the natural way. I was booked in for 2 weeks time to see if anything had changed. In those 2 weeks I bled every evening but never during the day. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life. I wasn’t even on this planet, I was like a zombie. We went back to the hospital and had a scan and it was still inside.
Again they spoke about my options, still the same as the last time they told me. This time I said about going down the medical route as I didn’t want to carry a dead baby any longer. I took the tablet that day and was told to expect some heavy bleeding and to come back in two days. I had nothing for the rest of the day.
The night before I was due to go back to the hospital I went to bed as normal at 10:30, I woke at midnight feeling a lot of pressure down below. I rushed down to the toilet and when I sat down the pressure was released. It was a build up of blood and it seemed like it was a massive amount but it really wasn’t.
I couldn’t get back to sleep as I was worried I might leak onto the bed. It turned into a very long night. At 4:15 again I felt a load of pressure and rushed to the toilet once again. This time there was a lot o blood, big clots of blood were falling from me. Not the nicest thing in the world to be feeling.
I rang the hospital and informed them and they said they would do a scan when I arrived to see it the baby had gone. I knew for some reason that it hadn’t.
We got to the hospital and i had the scan and sure enough it was still there. I had the tablets inserted to bring on “labour”, I was told to lay still for an hour, not the easiest thing for me to do at the best of times. An hour passed and nothing had changed. I started walking around, ended up outside having a fag, and well did this several times as nothing was happening.
Several hours passed and it was time to speak to the doctor again, she gave me an internal and the tablets hadn’t worked. Well I could have told her that without her prying herself into me like some sort of toy. The only option i had left was surgery. I had said from the start i didn’t want it but i didn’t have a choice in the end.
James went home and left me in the hospital and got me an overnight bag and my laptop so I had things to do as we both knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep. He left me alone in the hospital at 11pm, knowing I had surgery the next day instead of being there for me he went to work. His reasons for that were I wasn’t due to have the surgery until the afternoon and as it was a Friday he finishes early.
I was pissed that he didn’t take the day of work and be there for me. I was so frightened it wasn’t funny. My neighbor who I had only been friends with a few weeks ended up being the one there for me when I was taken back to my room. I had rung her the night before as I didn’t want to be on my own. She said she would come in the morning and stay with me until I was taken down or until James got to the hospital.
I finally managed to go to sleep about 8 am only to have a rude awakening at 8:30am. There was an opening for me to have the surgery at 9am. I panicked, I rang James and told him but there was nothing he could do as he had left the yard and wouldn’t get to the hospital in time. I rang heather but there was no answer. I was getting worked up and very upset.
She rang me back just before 9am and I told her they were taking me down in a matter of minutes. She was in the shower which was why she didn’t answer. She got dressed and came straight to the hospital. There was no way she would get there before I went down to surgery. I took my mobile with me as she was going to ring me once I was out of surgery.
I had never felt so alone. The last thing I remember was them prepping me for surgery and asking how far along I was when I lost my baby.
The next thing I knew I was coming too in recovery. The first thing I said is where is my mobile. I was taken back to the ward a little while later and heather was sitting in the room waiting for me. I asked if she found the ward ok and she told me she rang me at 9:30am. I told her I was out of surgery and recovering and what ward to go to and what room. I don’t remember the phone call at all. I was glad she was there though. By 10:30am i was up and dressed and gagging for a cuppa. I had missed the hot drink trolley so went downstairs to the cafe to get a coffee, well that was my excuse for leaving the ward. I really wanted a fag.
As soon as i was outside I rolled a fag, lit it and rang my mom. I told her I was out of surgery and that it all went well. I really felt for mom as we hadn’t spoken in three months. I had only told her I was pregnant a few days before finding out I had miscarried. She didn’t live that close to me and she was at work when I told her.
She ended up being sent home as she was in a mess. She wanted to get down to me but she had recently had an operation on her knee. She was able to drive short distances but she had a fall and landed on her knee so she was in a lot of pain. She asked my cousin to drive her down so mom could be with me but as always my cousin said she would but let mom and me down.
After I had finished on the phone to her I lit another fag and rung James, I wasn’t on the phone long as I started to feel queasy. Heather and I went inside to get a hot drink but I ended up giving her my purse too, I had to go to the toilet. I felt like I was going to be sick or pass out.
I managed to get the strength to go back out and we went back to the ward and I lay down for a bit. I drank my coffee and had some dinner. For hospital food it wasn’t actually that bad. I had already stripped the bed, I wanted to get home. I left the hospital at 1:30pm and James was still at work. We got home by 2pm and James got home shortly afterwards.
I had brought the duvet and pillows down and went to sleep on the sofa. I just wanted to forget everything that had just happened to me. I felt empty, lost and very alone. My whole world had come crashing down.
I slipped into depression and just wanted to be with my baby. We decided not to try again as I needed to allow my body to get back to normal and recover from what I had just been through. If only he was that simple as that as it got worse in the coming months.
Still now nearly two years on not one day that doesn’t go by without me thinking about my angel. The pain of it all had eased but it never goes away. I still don’t have any kids of my own but a lot has changed in that time. We now have a house big enough for us to have a family.
I am on the higher dose of folic acid and later this year we will be trying for a baby. Life is very cruel and is unfair, no one should have to go through a miscarriage but in time it does ease and makes so grateful for the things you have in your life………..and NEVER give up.
This post is an anonymous guest post
