When out to dinner last night at Mercato in midtown, my long-time friend Harry told me that he recently decided to join the world of online dating.
I was so excited to hear all about his experience that, as far as I was concerned, I would have been totally content keeping my mouth shut for the rest of the night and soaking up every word he had to say.
He told me how overwhelmed he felt. How could he be expected to find “the one” from tens of thousands of options? Been there, felt that.
He also explained that he was often “matched” with girls twice his height, of homosexual orientation, who were of a different religion or whose profiles seemed like they couldn’t be more opposite from his. Lucky for Harry, I know the feeling of being shown my fair share of suggested matches who couldn’t be further from the type of person I am looking for. I think he took great comfort in hearing that he wasn’t the only person who was experiencing this.
Next he asked me why girls think its ok to have profile pictures of themselves with other guys? Ummm, I could ask you the same about guys? And by the way boys, captioning a picture – my “good friend Jess” doesn’t cover your ass.
He was like a bat out of hell who had so much to say that it seemed like he was sharing each and every thought that had crossed his mind in connection with online dating. I was loving it. “It’s just so annoying that there are so many times of the day you can’t be online,” he stated.
“What?” I asked totally confused.
“Well, I can’t be on during the day Monday-Friday because that means I don’t work hard. And I also can’t really be on at night Thursday, Friday or Saturday because that means I don’t have a social life. So that basically leaves me with Monday-Wednesday 6:00 PM-midnight. How inconvenient is that?”
It dawned on me that I had never before thought of this. Sometimes, I even leave my account logged on all day at work and then check my missed messages at the end of the day. Am I naive to not have thought of this before, is Harry paranoid or is this a terrible double standard?
“So, all frustrations aside, has there been anyone that has caught your eye?” I asked.
“Well, funny you should ask. There was this one girl who I was messaging back and forth with for a while. We probably exchange 10 messages, give or take, and things seemed like they were going really well. She gave me her number and told me I should call her. So a day or two later I did. No answer. I left a voice message but didn’t hear back. So I decided to send a text. No answer to that either. It’s been a month or so and I just heard back from her. She’s sorry but she’s been swamped with work and has been meaning to get back to me. I don’t get it. It’s not even like I asked for her number – she volunteered it! So why did she do that if she didn’t plan on responding?”
Once again, opposite scenario but same outcome. I would probably have to use both hands to count the number of guys who have asked for my number and then never followed up. Someone, please, explain that one to me? Why ask if you’re not interested?
“Well, that’s a bummer and I wish I could tell you why she pulled that, but I honestly don’t know what was going through her head. It’s her loss. Let me ask you this, how often do you message girls. I ask because I know firsthand how difficult it is to not get your hopes up about each person who seems promising and to remember not to put all of your eggs in one basket. Maybe if we are able to stay grounded and remember that more often than not, first dates are flops, we would be better off?”
“I would say I’ve messaged three girls in two weeks.”
“Well there’s your problem right there! You can’t limit yourself so much. You need to expand your horizons and reach out to way more girls.”
Wait one second, here I was giving Harry advice that would be the exact opposite approach I would want any guy I was talking to to take. But, to be fair, it’s how I try to manage the world of online dating. Virtual relationships cannot be taken too seriously too quickly. I know how difficult it is not to get excited at the prospect of someone who seems interesting and worth getting to know. But the truth is, our odds of being successful at this increase with each stranger we correspond with.
Dinner was incredible. The company was fabulous, the food was beyond delicious and I found it fascinating to hear about the same experiences I’m going through from someone of the opposite sex.
I think from all of this, I’ve taken away the following: Maybe we need to view this as a game of Deal or No Deal. Maybe all of the terrible dates we go on are the cases with low numbers, which we need to open in order to find our million dollar case – or “the one”.
