The eating disorder is an illogical system of thoughts and behaviors, attempting to solve deep self-esteem and identity problems and give a sense of control over one’s life. Those surrounding the individual with an eating disorder need to understand: logic doesn’t work, love does. Find ways to express your love, without over controlling or domination. When your child is over 18, this is all you can do – express love and support. For those under 18, yes parents/carers can have more power to get help, therapy and intervention. BUT even then we too must not over control or dominate to the point our loved ones have no ability to think or move. It is such a fine line at times.
Parents and carers find eating disorders extremely difficult to understand and accept. Seeing someone you love starve or damage their bodies is stressful, and, often, parents, spouses, and others begin to become intrusive in their efforts to get the person to eat or to stop purging. Soon, the individual may see these loved ones as enemies trying to control her rather than help. The more you push, demand, control or manipulate the further you will push your loved one away. You are only building a great wall between you that is not going to help or promote recovery.
Giving love and support means during the whole illness, no matter how long it lasts or how deep or shallow the relapses. Our 15-16 yrs old will grow to be adults often with the illness still active. Our young adult children need just as much love and support, more because that is all we can give them. Even once the brain is re-nourished and you can see your loved one making decisions, don’t expect them to make logical or rational decisions about food or eating. It will take a long time before food and eating become normal – if ever. Forget logic, just give love.
Most of us learn the fire is hot when we get burnt. We only do it once – although some of us have a few tries before we finally learn. Logic says ‘don’t touch, I get hurt’. Eating disorders are not like this. Sufferers don’t learn to not do it again. Relapse occurs over and over again, year in, year out. Some never even make the recovery stage for years. Just because your loved one does get to a great place in recovery, don’t expect logic to suddenly click in, and they decide to never starve, purge, binge again. It will happen, and logic will have nothing to do with it. Asking logical questions, expecting rational answers won’t do anything except make your loved one feel ‘odd one out again’, ‘weirdo’, ‘failure’. Eating disorders are an illness that defy logic every single time.
Sophie relapsed for a few weeks just now, and yes she will do it again. Logic will have nothing to do with it nor be able to stop her from sliding back into eating disorder comfort.
