Time for a third round of funny translations. If you’re unfamiliar with the series, the idea is that I take some famous or well-known movie quotes or monologues, and spin them through a complex set of translations via Google Translate, and then back to English again. Here’s today’s lot:
“This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilised age. For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times… before the Empire.” — Star Wars translated into:
“Jedi weapon. Civilised and elegant era weapons, but also clumsy or random, as it is not a weapon. Jedi a thousand ancestors peace and justice in the former Yugoslavia. In the dark days… the empire…”
“Do you see this writing…? Do you know what it means…? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!” — Troll 2 translated into:
“You can see it in writing, please? You should know what that means…? Hospitals! The hotel can not urinate! I do not want it!”
“The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so hopelessly inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it. Are you listening to me, Neo? Or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?” — The Matrix translated into:
“Matrix is a system, Neo. System is our enemy. But if you log in, see what you find? Businesses, teaching lawyers, Carpenters. Spirit of the people trying to save money. When, however, continue to be part of this system is our enemy for theme. These people can not separate these must pray for people to understand. Many have to distinguish between hope and strong dependence. You are Neo, can you hear me? Or search for woman in red dress?”
“I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I’d done. But the love… was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Now I’ll die, and I’ll tell you what… the biggest regret of my life… I let my love go. What did I do? I’m sixty-five years old. And I’m ashamed. A million years ago… the fucking regret and guilt, these things… don’t ever let anyone say to you you shouldn’t regret anything. Don’t do that. Don’t! You regret what you fucking want. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, okay? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say… Love. Love. Love. This fucking life… oh, it’s so fucking hard. So long. Life ain’t short, it’s long. It’s long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?” — Magnolia translated into:
“I love it. I knew what he was doing. He knew what I was stupid. But there is nothing stronger than love … You goddamn stupid. Sorry, bitch! Now I’m dying and I will tell you what … biggest regret of my life … I left my path. What should I do? I am ashamed and I am the 56th of guilt and remorse one million years … Damn, these things … Say you have a bad conscience for all. Do not do it. No! I want to kiss you regret. If you want to use. You can use it when needed, no regrets. You can use it? Oh my God. It’s a long way, and even ulcers. Moral stories, I mean … of love. I. Penny of life … Oh, it is a very difficult length. Long life is short. This is the great name of God: Shit. What I did what I did? Phil, Phil, help me. What should I do?”
“Hello?… Uh… Hello Dmitri? Listen I can’t hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?… Oh-ho, that’s much better… yeah… huh… yes… Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri… Clear and plain and coming through fine… I’m coming through fine, too, eh?… Good, then… well, then, as you say, we’re both coming through fine… Good… Well, it’s good that you’re fine and… and I’m fine… I agree with you, it’s great to be fine… a-ha-ha-ha-ha… Now then, Dmitri, you know how we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb… The Bomb, Dmitri… The hydrogen bomb!… Well now, what happened is… um… one of our base commanders, he had a sort of… well, he went a little funny in the head… you know… just a little… funny. And, ah… he went and did a silly thing… Well, I’ll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes… to attack your country… Ah… Well, let me finish, Dmitri… Let me finish, Dmitri… Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?… Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri?… Why do you think I’m calling you? Just to say hello?… *Of course* I like to speak to you!… *Of course* I like to say hello!… Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I’m just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened… It’s a *friendly* call. Of course it’s a friendly call… Listen, if it wasn’t friendly… you probably wouldn’t have even got it… They will *not* reach their targets for at least another hour… I am… I am positive, Dmitri… Listen, I’ve been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick… Well, I’ll tell you. We’d like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes… Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we’re unable to recall the planes, then… I’d say that, ah… well, ah… we’re just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri… I know they’re our boys… All right, well listen now. Who should we call?… *Who* should we call, Dmitri? The… wha-whe, the People… you, sorry, you faded away there… The People’s Central Air Defense Headquarters… Where is that, Dmitri?… In Omsk… Right… Yes… Oh, you’ll call them first, will you?… Uh-huh… Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri?… Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information… Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm… I’m sorry, too, Dmitri… I’m very sorry… *All right*, you’re sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well… I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don’t say that you’re more sorry than I am, because I’m capable of being just as sorry as you are… So we’re both sorry, all right?… All right.” — Dr. Strangelove translated into:
“Hello? Hello, Dmitry … uh …? You see, I hear very well. I think you can change the music down a bit …? O-ho, much better … So … EH … So … Yes, now I have heard … Dmitry simple and understandable, and more … Just went well …? Well, as you say … Yes, both will find a beautiful … Hmm … Well it is very good, and I’m good. It … I agree with you, is the great and beautiful … HA – - HA – HA – HA … Yes, Dmitri, you know, we are always problems with the pump, about the possibility of … bomb, bomb … Dmitry! … Tell us what happens … hum … It was rather based on the captain …. It is quite strange in my head … Did you know … just … have fun. I … went, it was something stupid … Well, I say what it was. It ordered the aircraft to attack the country … … … Oh yes, I’m close, Dmitry … Let me, let me close the hostel. I remember that you ask …? * Dormitory You can imagine how I feel about it, and how …? Why the name? Suffice it to say hello …? I’m talking to you! * … And, of course, Hey, if you do not say! … But not now, Dmitri. Let me tell you something terrible has happened … * Easy to connect. Of course there are reasons for this conversation … Listen, otherwise very nice … more … * * You are not the time to achieve their goals, at least … I think … I’m sure the university … Hi, I am ambassador, is everywhere. Nothing … I can tell. Our goal is to reduce the whole crew, do you want your flight plans and air defense systems … Yes! III – Can not remember when the plane … I think it’s good, I think … So … Yes, to help destroy the hostel … I think … our children. Listen now. How do you see? * We are … Demetrius, who to contact …? AMS – when people with … They are bad to lose in order to protect the people … … Dmitri, who it is …? In Omsk … Right … So … Oh, you’re right, we’ll call in the first place …? So … Hi, phone number, you are lucky enough to Youth? … When – Oh, I see, ask for Omsk information … I – ah – ah – ah – Hum … I’m tired so … Sorry … * Dmitri, but even more unfortunately, I was … I am sorry to Dmitri, because I still can not be published, tell me … Unfortunately for both of us, the sad truth? … All rights reserved.”
“Now, we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don’t like you sucking around, bothering our citizens. I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behaviour, and I don’t like you, jerk-off.” — The Big Lebowski translated into:
“The Community and the here and now, in just a quiet, quiet beach, trying to live comfortably. And so easy. I bother sucking around all of our citizens, whether we like it or not. I do not know the name of masturbation. I do not like my face in masturbation. Acting bad like masturbation, boot kit, and I do not know how to do it.”
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There. Those are some more hopefully hilarious translated quotes. If anyone’s got any movies or quotes to suggest, I would really appreciate it if you left them in the comments section, or just leave a comment about which one of these were your favorite. Thanks.
