Just When You Begin to Hope

I think I said at the end of one post that I wondered if Will had just pulled out all the stops to get his school assessments done etc. That maybe the medication really hadn’t changed him much. Or that I was really hoping the medication had finally started to work.

It was the former, he just ploughed through. Our counselor was sick this week. It gets so frustrating when this happens. It is hard enough with only one ED counselor who only works one day a week, and sharing her with many families. Both my kids missed out on counseling when they both really needed it, but then we weren’t the only lot who needed sessions.  Then Will had the psychiatrist on Friday.

He tells me he is fine, he gets annoyed when I ask. But if he won’t talk then how am I supposed to gauge what is happening. The medication is not working as far as he is concerned. He is more suicidal, more anxious, more agitated. Despite those around him seeing more engagement and smiles, he feels worse. He now has a definite plan. He knows how long he would have to wait. Really?!

So back on watching him closer, giving him structure during the holidays, staying closer to doctors, just monitoring. Changed his night medication, and giving the antidepressants at a different time of day. Then see the psychiatrist in just over a week. She is even thinking of a stay in the local mental health clinic for him for safety and a change of environment.

Part of this I think is that his emotions are now surfaced far more. They are not buried deep within. So on one hand the medication is working in that he engages and smiles a bit. On the other hand he is engulfed in emotions he has tried to ignore for years and is overwhelmed. Like when you start to recover from anorexia. From numbness to waves of emotions. For someone with anorexia you restrict to numb the pain which is a slow suicide in itself. Will is just going about this in a slightly different way, but same outcome.

I can’t contemplate the bigger outcome or picture. Too painful, too unknown. I don’t know what to think or do. Numb parent trying to hold all the strands together. Just each day at a time, and praying the God moves in this boy (young man) to change him. I feel as helpless and useless as when Sophie first got sick. You have to ride the journey with them and just be there.

Sophie also changed course this week and has decided that the Melbourne uni offer she received is where she wants to now go. All the plans and hopes that she would be in Brisbane, easier to get support for and get to, all out the window. Start again, but from the far end of the country.

This mom is tired, emotionally exhausted and looking forward to this week’s holiday. At least there are no appointments and different scenery.