I’m terrible at showing up.
Not physically, mind you. I’m here, after all.
But mentally. Emotionally.
Not all the time; I try to be a present person, but I’m notorious for having a conversation with someone and thinking about other things, or listening to a professor but writing a to-do list, or getting work done while watching the latest Glee episode.
(That last one in particular is fun but not always the most productive – have you ever written a lyric in the center of a twenty page paper? Because I have.)
I graduate in 36 days, which seems both far away and like it will happen tomorrow, and I’m tired of not being present. I’m tired of not showing up.
It’s been a rough semester, I tell you what. I’ve had physical and mental health issues, and I’ve struggled to be physically present at times. There are amazing, supportive people in my life, and without them this semester would have been even more difficult. And so I’m thankful for that – I know that amazing people can make an entire semester look very different.
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships recently. About putting away my phone and being present when I’m with people, about not being upset when I try harder than others, and about investing in relationships that mean something to me – even if it means having to try a little harder. I feel like I’m suddenly noticing how people treat one another, and I’m tired of people not being kind. I’m tired of people not being good to one another. Can we channel a little more Ellen DeGeneres and be kind to one another?
Yesterday, someone tweeted from a conference: “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and wonder ‘what if I had showed up?’,” and it got me thinking. There are 36 days left of my graduate program. Approximately 44 days until I pack up my car and head west with my best friend.
I don’t want to look back on my graduate program and wonder, “what if I had showed up?”
Maybe I already will. Maybe there are moments in the last year and a half that could have been different if I had showed up, but I can’t change those.
I can change the next 36 days. It’s time to show up.
So I’m showing up. I’m going to spend more time being present. I’m going to focus on each day, take time to accomplish the things that will benefit me and others both now and in the future, and not worry about X when I’m doing Y. I’m going to minimize my life so that, A, I can focus on what is happening around me, and B, so I can fit everything in my vehicle for the move back. I’m going to be present. I’m going to be present. I’m going to be present.
My favorite 1980s character once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
How are you going to show up?
