We've all done it. You go out for a run, you huff and you puff around thinking of all the people who are going rain kudos onto your Strava upload like fivers in a strippers knickers. You get back home and head straight to the sync. DISASTER! It's a bit slower than you expected! What will you fans think?
They will surely know something is amiss. All it would take is for your fans to compare your heart rate against the pace you were running, factor in the vert and overlay the topology of the area, cross referencing that against the weather conditions before and during, work the equation to come up with the answer you already know, you had a shitty run. Kudos will crash.
You know your followers will be desperately disappointed with your sudden mediocrity. You don't want to distress them. They NEED to give kudos. It hurts not to. You need to think of what the impact of your run will do to these poor souls. What do you do?
You only have a minute to act. But you can salvage something out of this before everyone starts thinking you've chumped out of the running game. Kudos will rain again.
It's all in the name.
The name you give your run will let people know of the mitigating circumstances of your shitness. Even if they are made up. Don't worry about "only cheating yourself", you can't give yourself Kudos anyway so what does it matter?
Here are some suggestions.
1 - Say you were chatting to someone.
Example Run Name - Lovely chatty pace chat run chatting with Paula. #runchat #easypace
You were jogging with someone else and they are the ones who are really slow! Of course! I was just doing a good deed by keeping an inferior runner company while chatting away. It was deliberately a no-effort jog along.
They don't even need to exist. Just make sure you don't namecheck anyone who is also on Strava. (some people aren't).
2 - Post photos.
Run Name - Beautiful trails today. Love this route. Just had to slow down to take it all in.
Always have a stock of random photos stored so you can use as a "get out of shit run free" card. make sure you are wearing the same clothes in them and have about the same amount of beard (unless it's a really long run).
And if you actually do take photos then Strava stops the clock while you do! It is like the world stands still while you pout. That's nice of it.
And NEVER let people see just the lovely trail you are on, this is a security issue. You don't want one of your followers actually following you. Always obscure most of it with your grinning (but relaxed, cos it's an easy run) face.
3 - Say it was a recovery run
Example Run Name - 17 mile recovery shakeout jogging plod. Legs don't feel too bad considering....
What's the number 1 reason for recovery runs? That's right! It's a way for you to demonstrate to your Strava following that even when you are deliberately jogging along slowly you are still going way faster than they would do when running fast.
20% Extra kudos for mentioning "cobwebs"
4 - Accumulate to Speculate
Example Run Name - 5 miles, not to shabby after 12 miles yesterday, 36 for the week so far and 47 last week!
Why did you do such a shoddy run just now? Because of all the #EPIC runs you have done already this week. If you do this enough then your followers who try to trace your runs back to a time when you ran without doing #EPIC just before will never find anything. Like a running Ponzi scheme.
5 - Say there was wind. Say it was BRUTAL
Example Run Name - Really tough plod getting brutally blown off by Bertha
The word "BRUTAL" isn't used enough to describe the variable but mostly comfortable weather we get here in the UK. I think train companies should adopt this word instead of their usual "inclement" to explain why you are still stood on a platform an hour late.
But of course, who is to know whether it was still, breezy or a GALE FORCE HURRICANO was stalking your every move, blowing you off course and claiming a few seconds off your pace.
Also remember to follow the 10% rule when documenting high temperatures. If you read on the weather reports that it was going to get up to 30C today then obviously it was at least 33C when you ran.
6 - Make it look like a session
Example Run Name - 3.4 x 14 Flebs with intermediate fartlicks
There are a number of stock sessions people might run at variable paces. They might involve a "warm up" pace, and "effort", a "sprint" and so forth.
If your pace chart looks like the meanderings of a moth in unnatural light then
7 - Say you were fasted
Example Run Name - Felt queasy towards the end of this #keto #lchf #fasted run but need to adapt to being able to run on an empty tank #avocado
Of course! You are on a stupid diet! You only ate low GI Quinoa Porridge and a Kit-Kat for brunchfast and could not get the power to run really fast. Perfect.
Do not under any circumstances forget to mention the #avocado. Otherwise you'll just sound like a dick.
8 - Overcompensate
Example Run Name - Shit run. I am shit. So Slow. I might just give up running and kill myself. Or take up cycling.
If kudos is your aim (if it's not why the hell are you on Strava?) then this is a bit of a nuclear option. It involves admitting that you've had a rubbish run but then taking it to the extreme. Works similar to the recovery run. "Your shit day is better than my good day!" will be the comment of choice, along with the Kudos of course.
Remember, every time someone fails to give kudos to a run a Garmin fails to find a satellite.
Think of your fellow runner.
I hope these have been helpful. Can you think of any more? If you want to see how awesome I am, follow me here.
