January 2009 my second child was born; my first who was previously born only 15 months prior and although I loved them both immensely there was a dark cloud always hanging over me. I suspected it was due to lack of sleep and general baby blues.
Fast forward to April that year and my uncle who was more like a father/brother figure to me dies unexpectedly alone in his house that he shared with my mother. My mother was with me at the time helping me cope with my 2 kids and her best friend found him lying at home.
Turns out he suffered a rupture oesophagus from long term alcohol abuse and even though he had not been drinking for nearly 5 years it finally took its toll on him and took his life. I took this hard and started to further in the black cloud that clung to me.
Just two months further down the line my nanna died of cancer and even though we were not close and she hated me it hurt me a lot and pushed me further still in to the darkness. A few more weeks down the line again and 3 more family members die, so in a space of 6 months I lose 5 people from my life 2 of whom hit me like a truck.
For months after I plod in in the darkness, thinking thoughts that I know are so totally wrong and scary but yet I can’t stop them and the harder I try to stop the thoughts the more I become more determined to do the unthinkable.
I would picture throwing myself in front of the train that passes my house on the nearby tracks, I would picture throwing myself out of our car on the motorway when my husband was driving at 70mph, there were a lot more horrible thoughts that I could list but I won’t.
At this point I was on Fluoxetine to help with the depression but I did not feel they were working so stopped taking them. I felt no better or worse when taking them as I did when I wasn’t, so I saved up all the tablets I was meant to be taking in a separate container so it would look as though I was taking my meds to my husband.
I want to my kill myself, was the only thought running around inside my head.
I picked a night that I would stay up late pretending to jobs when my husband went to bed. I waited an hour before I started anything to make sure that my husband was asleep. I planned not to write any notes to anyone individual but 1 note saying “sorry” and nothing else. I got my tables out and lined them up got a large bottle of vodka and started taking the tablets.. 1, 2,3,4,5,6 tears are streaming down my face and then my little boy walks in the kitchen where I am.
I didn’t hear him coming down the stairs. He had, had a nightmare and went to my bed to look for me but I wasn’t there so he came to look for me. He sat on my lap crying and cuddling in to my chest and said “noise that?” He was asking what the noise he could hear was in my chest.
I told him it was my heart.
That moment there, right there I knew that this little boy was sent to save me, to stop me doing what I was going to do.
I tucked him up in bed watched him drift off and then went in to the bath room and made myself sick I managed to bring up 3 of the 6 tables I had taken and then woke my husband up in tears. He called the NHS’s direct to check if I should go in to hospital or not but they advised that I didn’t but needed to visit the GP first thing the next morning and they would contact my GP to let them know of the situation.
I started CBT and new medication and even though it was a long haul getting to where I am now, I have had some setbacks along the way but with the support of family and doctors I am now almost the person I used to be and I am so glad that I never took my own life that night as it turns out there was another little life tucked away inside me at that very time.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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