i have this constant battle with having a million thoughts in my head. i don't write my feelings down in a journal so sometimes i turn here to let it out. this losing a baby thing is extremely hard. i keep being told how strong i am.. but all i feel is how weak i am. i do not feel strong. at all. i feel like i'm ready to buckle at any moment. i do not feel like the same person i was just a couple months ago. i'm not the same person. this has changed me. at times i'm more caring. other times i'm just angry and selfish. my feelings can change in a split second. i can be so happy, then something will trigger me into feeling depressed. i need to work on balancing that. poor tanner.
i've had more stress on my shoulders than i've ever had. i feel like it's just one thing after another and it's killing me. i used to live a life of complete bliss. i was super naive and sometimes i wish to go back to that. this life was not that long ago. everything before august was pretty perfect. everything fell into place. everything was going how i had planned.
i've tried different ways to help pay for the doctor bills, but that has ended up with us into a deeper hole. i feel guilty that we have these doctor bills. when we left the hospital, my goal was to pay for it by myself. all of our doctor bills have always been because of me. first it was melenoma so i've had one appointment after another treating my skin. then it was me not being able to carry a baby. i feel so guilty. tanner works so hard and i feel like all our money goes to paying my bills. i hate it. i hate that we're paying bills for a baby that we don't have. i hate that i'm not being a mother right now. i hate that i feel in limbo. i hate that my mind is so consumed in what had happened that i can't make good conscience decisions.
we are leaving for new years and i've never been so excited to get away. i've been wanting to get away since august. all i want to do is be with tanner and not think about anything. not think about bills, work, getting pregnant, making people happy, but to just be alone. i'm not sure who reads this blog, if anyone really does.. but i'd prefer not to get any comments to this. i know i'm going to regret posting this tomorrow, but i'm already feeling better. i'm not writing to get pity or advice or to be told to hang in there.. it will get better.
i know others may read this and think i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. after all, my life is great compared to so many others. one thing i have learned is that everyone experiences pain. we cannot compare our pain to others. it's still pain and it hurts us all the same. i've had people want to relate with me so tell me about when they miscarried but then they add "i know it's nothing compared to what you experienced." i want to shake them and say "it still hurts!" it doesn't matter what we go through, we all go through hard times. and we all hurt! pain is pain whether it's a pinch on the arm or a slap in the face. i feel like i've been getting slapped a lot recently, and i don't care too much for it.
