Diaries Magazine

I'm an Adult and Can't Dress Myself for Shit

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
My name is Parental Parody, and I can't dress myself for shit.

I am  32  25ish, and this is a totally new revelation for me.I've never claimed to be fashion forward or fashion savvy.  In fact, I'm more fashion tone deaf.  I jump onto the trend bandwagon only once the trend has proved its longevity....approximately 2-3 years after it has peaked / classified as a trend.  The up side of this, is that I often get things rather cheap, as retailers are preparing for the next trend - that I will again take about 2-3 years to warm to.

I'm an adult and can't dress myself for shit

Anyway, recently I  took the piss out of  gently and maternally ribbed Miss5 for accidentally wearing her jeans backwards.  They're kids jeans with an elastic waist, so it was fair to say that it could easily happen.  Unfortunately, it was school holidays and we'd spent a good few hours walking through a large shopping center before we realised.I had been wondering why she was sporting an inappropriate portion of butt crack and stomach crack, but it wasn't until the heart shaped knee patches kept winking at me from behind her knees, that I realised what the problem was.I'm a totally #winning parent like that.So after I tested my poorly pelvic floor muscles via hysterical fits of laughter...I did take her to the loo to correct the situation.Less than a week later, she wore her top backwards.  A top with some ornate detailing on the front that is clearly not meant for the back.  Again, my A1 parenting  fail  saw this one slip by me.  Including while Miss5 had an ultrasound of her throat, so she was at my eye level, not moving, with a number of bright lights shining in the exact area that the tag on the back of her top was sticking up around her throat.  It took the ultra sound tech to suggest that it may be on backwards.  A guy.  In his mid 20's.  Not a parent.Again, mega #winning on the distracted parenting front.Again, I laughed.  Again, until I almost wet myself.Imagine my horror and the enormous karmic ass kicking, when - after a FULL DAY at two shopping centres, plus a mega enormous toy store having it's annual sale (read : crowded full of  witnesses  people) - and it's only when I get undressed to shower later that afternoon, that I find my own jeans are on backwards.Yes, really.

Screw you karma... 

I'm an adult and can't dress myself for shit

Would you believe me if I said this is what I looked like?

In my defence, they are maternity jeans with the lovely elastic waist band.

Before you ask, no I'm not pregnant again.  As if.  I learnt my lesson the first and second times.It's just my ever-present Mummy Tummy (2 1/2 years since I had the twins *cough*).  And they make my legs look thin.So I'm standing in front of the mirror, and Miss5 sniffs victory.  In she walks, out of nowhere - in fact, she didn't walk in.  She crept, all stealth like.  Then she sauntered up to me, all smug like.She hysterically pissed herself laughing.  It was most unladylike and most ungracious.  I have no idea where she came up with such inappropriate behavior in the face of such an embarrassing occurrence *cough*.Being the good and kindly mother I am, I let her have her moment of victory, before telling her to bugger off and watch SpongeBob.As I showered, one thought kept occurring to me, repeatedly, relentlessly :Dear. God.  Does this mean my ass is big enough to adequately compensate for the extra material, extra elastic, extra "give" at the front of a pair of maternity jeans?  That which is intended for a fully pregnant belly?So, now, I just want to amend my previously mentioned (and disgustingly unanswered) public service request :Pro bono tummy tuck AND butt tuck urgently required.  Please.  Thank you.

I'm an adult and can't dress myself for shit

Bringing a whole new meaning to "pop a cap in yo ass"

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