I was 19 years old, a new mom and had not long moved into my first family home with my son and my partner, yet I was going to end my life. Sounds absurd doesn’t it? Well I assure you it felt terrible.
I remember waking up on that November morning, my partner was getting ready for work, my son was being grouchy. My partner came downstairs and started moaning that certain things weren’t done in the house, generally being a grump. I just sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks.
I was suffering with Postnatal Depression, very badly, I didn’t know where to turn, what to do. I just remember sitting there thinking ”I can’t do anything right. Why am I even here?”
It then occurred to me that everyone would be better off without me.
My partner continued being an arse. And when I snapped back at him and told him to stop being such a prat. He decided the best thing to do was to continue the argument, resulting in him taking our son up to his mothers, despite me begging him not to.
I had been trying to bond with him and taking him elsewhere, wasn’t going to help. He wouldn’t listen to me. He just ignored me and left. I sat there alone, scared and crying.
Then I just stopped
Stopped everything
I went into the kitchen and got a knife
With my back against the kitchen cupboards I slowly slid down onto the cold hard floor. I sat there with the knife against my wrist.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I wasn’t trusted with my son; I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything.
I pressed the knife against my wrist, felt the cold sharp blade against my flesh.
Suddenly the front door opened and my partner walked back in .
I thought he’d gone straight to work after taking our son to his mums; him walking in took me by surprise. Even more so when he was followed through the door by my own mother, and my two sisters, one of which was 14 and the other was 2 at the time. They all stood in the kitchen doorway with a look of shock on their faces.
”I told you. I told you all. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. Just let me go” I pleaded.
My partner looked at me for a moment. I mean really looked at me, like he was looking inside me, he didn’t speak just stared.
”Kayleigh put the knife down, don’t be stupid ” said my mum, trying to keep her voice controlled.
My sisters just stood there
I’m ashamed to say not even my 2 year old sister being there was going to stop me, not at the point I had got to.
I think they all realised I was serious. My partner came into the kitchen, sat by me and said:
” Why? Why are you at this point? I’m doing my best, I just don’t understand. Why isn’t this enough for you? You have me, our son, isn’t he what you wanted? After losing Lily, isn’t he everything you ever hoped for? You two are my entire world, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Your more than enough for me.. Why aren’t we enough for you Kayleigh? ”
Those words, they were processing. I looked at him, he looked scared.
Anyone who knows my partner knows he never looks scared. I felt the lump in my throat.
”Your all better off without me. I’m not enough, it’s not that you’re not enough, your everything to me, but I’m not enough ” I sobbed.
”You’re an idiot” he shouted. ”How can you think you’re not enough.. you’re a mum, he hasn’t got another one, no one is going to be as important to him as you. He needs you Kayleigh. If you want to do this then just think about him, how am I going to explain to our son when he is older and asks about his mommy, you’re willing to make me sit there and explain this to him? Do you have any idea how hard that’s going to be? You don’t want this. I know you and I sure as hell need you so please, please stop” he begged me
I looked at him. He held out his hand to me. I looked at my mom and sisters. They were just stood there looking terrified. I dropped the knife. It made a bang on the kitchen floor.
”Help me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore” I sobbed.
And the next morning I was sat in the doctor’s waiting room, going to seek the help I very much needed. I’d been there before, but the tablets hadn’t done anything so I stupidly stopped them. I didn’t stop them this time.
I’ve been off them since March and I am a totally different person now thankfully.
I will never forget that feeling of ending my life being the only option.
But it isn’t the only option there is another way.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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