Communication is what connects our inner thoughts and feelings with the outside world. Unskillful communication can be dangerous if emotions take over.
Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our emotions, that we don’t even know what we want to say. We can appear confused, hostile, or angry if we don’t pay attention to our tone and how we use language. It could make us feel misunderstood or isolated.
However, if we communicate with mindfulness, we have a better chance to be heard and understood.
Understanding ourselves First
To be able to communicate mindfully, we must first become clear about what we are thinking and feeling. If we aren’t able to pay attention to what we feel, it is difficult to communicate that feeling to others.
Let’s say, for instance, we are mad at our partner. We may be upset at their neglectfulness in one way or another. It is possible to feel angry for days or even weeks at someone because of what they have done or didn’t do. Our emotions can have an impact on how we communicate with others, even if we aren’t aware.
Sometimes we can become unkind or snappy, which may give the appearance that we are communicating our feelings. However, this is not a conscious, clear way to communicate. It is possible that someone else picks up on your upset and feels defensive. This can lead to a vicious circle of bitterness and emotional outbursts.
Mindfulness helps us to be more aware of our inner experience and recognize fluctuations in our moods. Instead of resenting our partner or pretending it never happened, let’s acknowledge what we feel and be honest about our emotions.
Example: “My boyfriend forgot our anniversary and that makes it sad/angry/unappreciated etc.” If we are able to see and feel our emotions first, then communication can be made easier.
What do I want from this communication?
It’s important to be aware of your true feelings and to clarify what you want out of any communication with someone.
- Are we willing to make them feel bad about the way they made us feel?
- Are we going to punish them by our words?
- Or do you want to be understood?
- Are we looking for a solution to a problem or just a way to get there?
Perhaps we want to help the other person understand us better.
This is a normal feeling that can be felt when we feel the need to retaliate against someone for hurting us. It doesn’t necessarily mean we are a bad person. But do we really want these feelings to be acted upon and cause pain for others?
It might be better to simply feel these emotions for a while than to verbally lash out or say something that we regret later.
It’s important to consider the tone and language that we use to communicate with others if we want to be understood or find a solution.
Pay attention to our Tone and Language
It is crucial to choose how we express our emotions. How we express ourselves can have a huge impact on how others perceive us. Even though the words seem to be diplomatic, it doesn’t matter if your tone is sarcastic, mean, or bitter.
We tend to get defensive when we feel threatened. It is important to limit our reactions if we wish for a meaningful and open dialog. The person might not be aware of our bad feelings.
Instead of listing all the wrong things that someone did, it may be better to talk about what we feel and why. Instead of saying “You ignored my!” You can mindfully change it to “I’m really mad at you!” and add, “I don’t know if that was what you meant, but I felt ignored by your earlier.” It caused me to feel very hurt and angry. Let’s talk about it.
It is possible to notice how we are speaking and take responsibility for it. We are creating space for a two-way conversation by doing this. We remain open-minded about the truth. Although we are upset, we recognize that we may have misunderstood or that others are going through their emotions.
Mindful communication doesn’t mean that you have to get it right every time. Our inner worlds are complex and we all have to deal with them. Sometimes, it’s impossible to avoid miscommunications and heated discussions. We can learn to be more mindful communicators anytime we recognize that we are stuck in a blaming mindset.
Even if an argument is half-way through, it’s possible to try to change our position and be more mindful and compassionate
