Have you ever noticed how everyone in an airport magically loses all sense of logic and reason? Even the most ordinary, well intentioned person goes into the magical airport machine and comes out a bumbling idiot. It is like there is some mysterious enchantment that surrounds various locations in an airport where smart people go in and unreasonable, unobservant, and generally stupid people come out. After witnessing this phenomena dozens of times over the years, I can safely say that the airport experience makes us all lose a few IQ points during our transit from A to B.
First Stop on the IQ Loss Express - The Check-In Counter
The first spot of magical enchantment at an airport occurs at the check-in counter. Much like the other spells cast at an airport, this one feeds on the crowds and only gains in power as the number of people waiting in line increases.
There are three distinct zones that travelers face when at the check-in counter, all relative to where you are standing in line. At the very end of the line, travelers become grumpy and restless at the fact that the queue isn't going anywhere and the people at the front seem to have no idea how the process works. This seems to be a reasonable response but it is just a ploy of the spell. When the virtue of patience goes missing, you have the first sign of the spell taking effect. The worst is yet to come.
Travelers get a bit of resistance as you get closer to the counter, when a general ready-to-go feeling of preparedness overtakes everyone as the excitement of the wait being over finally culminates. This is just another of the spells devious tricks as the magic of this enchantment zone is about to take its full effect. Propping you up for success is just another way to make the sting of failure that much more potent.
The second you walk up to the counter, your IQ immediately plummets to near zero. Mass confusion ensues. You realize you forgot to bring money for your check bag fee and ask your fellow travelers to spot you money(1) or you do not have any confirmation measures on you to pull up your reservation(2). You may even stop understanding English, as the check-in kiosks asking for you to type in your name becomes incomprehensible, and only assistance from an equally flustered check-in agent will help you. But remember, they're caught under the same spell you are and may not actually be much help.
If you are able to break away from the first stop, the cycle continues later on. The next stop is the security check-point!
Second Stop - The Security Check-Point
Some of the spell from the check-in counter must travel, because the IQ dropping phenomena continues well before you even reach the security check-point. Still, the same distance based pattern as the check-in counter emerges, suggesting that the power of the spell has a few limits in range.
When the line is very long there are tons of complaints, typically at the end of the line. Not the type of complaints like you have at the check-in counter, but more complaints on the inefficiency of security(3). Rather than using logic that airports are a busy place, especially at the first round of flights in the morning, the spell makes you think that the airport you are in is one of the worst airports in the world even though it could be one of the very best(4). People who did not plan in advance think they have the right to ask to cut others in line(5) and use all matter of excuses to make up for the fact that they just did not prepare(6). Simple definitions including "Express Lane" for 1 carry-on item only or "Business Class" has no meaning, and it is a total free-for-all as travelers try to get into the shortest line possible(7).
The closer you get, a perceived resistance to the enchantment builds up. Confidence levels rise, eagerness overtakes you. But this is just another sick ploy. The stupid phase commences.
The most severe level this spell has is right at the security check-point itself. People just lose it for no apparent reason. Whether it is not having their liquids out for inspection, forgetting to take heavy jewelry off that clearly will set off a metal detector, or even having full bottles of toiletries significantly above the allowed limit, it is always a circus. Ignore the fact that there are about two dozen signs during the queue noting the rules and regulations. The enchantment makes those all disappear in the eyes of those under the charm.
Is it everyone's first time to fly?
Magically, the security screeners are pretty efficient and are constantly mystified by the thousands of passengers who seemed to forget about the 3-1-1 rule when packing. They are either very good at acting, or have no idea of the enchantments that their airport is under and are likely not part of the hex. This is ironic, of course, because all frustration from the airport experience is taken out on them, so whoever concocted this nightmare really must have it out for the security personnel.
Final Stop - Boarding the Plane
When boarding the plane you can tell that the spell is sticking around but is not quite completely broken. Logic and reason begin to return to travelers, but the second the gate agent announces the flight is about to board any remaining influence from the magic kicks in.
Whether the boarding process is by row or by zone, those under the spell think their number will be the next to be called and crowd the gate. When agents ask the crowds to move back, they take it as a cue that their number will be called next, and move in closer. Yes, 2 comes after 1, and your zone number 7 will not be called until 1-6 get called first. But somehow the spell makes everyone think this is the case.
As the travelers finally get called to board the plain, it seems like the spell is about to fade. Recovering from the spell makes everyone very sluggish and slows their loading time down to a near crawl. Simple tasks like loading a bag into the overhead compartment becomes one of the biggest challenges of the day(8). Magic really is a powerful drain on the body.
As the plane takes off, the spell is finally broken. Or is it?
Surprise Bonus Round - Mechanical Delay
Those who are especially lucky will be greeted with a last second mechanical delay right as the jet is rolling down the runway(9). In an especially rare occurrence, this will happen twice(10). These delays vary from insignificant to catastrophic, and may keep you in an airport for nearly 12 hours and miss your connecting flight altogether(11). For those who experience this surprise bonus round, keep your cool. The worst of it all is over, and the stupidity curse of airline travel is now behind you.
Just be sure to try and ask for some lounge passes for your trouble. Sweet, glorious lounge passes.
