I don’t know what to do; I am sat on the floor staring into space. I know I am ill yet I have far too much fight in me to lie down and die.
I need friends, I have none. Nobody wants to be friends with the crazy women. Any real life friends have kept as much distance from me as they can. I feel so alone and empty.
The husband is watching TV; I switch on my laptop and open my Facebook account, no messages and no friend requests. I search for a group to join, I find Emma’s Diary Facebook group and I am shocked. The advice is dangerous and the environment is not welcoming.
I share my disgust with my husband, how can the moderators of this group allow mothers be spoken to this way. They need a safe and confidential space, somewhere they feel accepted and not judged.
He half listens to my ramblings, fed up of me moaning he tells me “If it bothers you that much then makes your own”.
So I did.
A very simple idea would turn my life around. I became an online agony aunt.
But would I be able to run a mums group? What if the mothers who joined found out they had joined a group run by a crazy mother? I decided not to tell them. I pretended to be normal.
The group grew over time and over the weeks so did I, I found it second nature to help and advice mothers who were struggling with depression and self-harm was normal to me.
I finally found somewhere I fitted in.
I was able to finally be yourself. I was able to share my own fears and yes I faced a number of obstacles along the way.
I had hate pages made about me, pictures of my children were stolen and vile messages were written about me. All because I stood up for what I believed in.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. Winston Churchill
My children ate from dog bowls
My children would have been better off aborted
How can I look after 6 kids when I’m fucked up?
I am a lazy ass on benefits with hundreds of kids
I have heard it all and yes it hurt, yes I questioned myself yet the support I received from hundreds of women was astonishing.
The truth was they needed me, as much as I needed them.
They did not care that I had mental health issues. The voices that talked to me were still with me, yet I had a purpose other than being just a mother and wife.
A guardian angel
An inspiration
A life saver
A true friend
Were words others were using to describe me?
I never sit and think about what I do, I just do it. Yes I have saved lives, I have phoned an ambulance, I have phoned social services and I have phoned the police.
I talk to mothers while they self-harm to make sure they are safe. I spend time reassuring mums that depression does not make them a bad person. I have lost count how many have thanked me after visiting the GP and getting support professionally.
It’s been 2 years now since I opened that simple little group on Facebook; it is now home to hundreds of women. They are my friends, and friendship is hard to come by for a woman as crazy as me.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I was receiving so many experiences that mothers wanted to share that I opened a blog, this blog. The history of the blog is simple, it’s our life, its real and it’s raw.
The women may hail me some guardian angel yet it is them that have created what you see in me today. Yes I still hear voices, I still have bipolar and I am crazy as the rest but I am surviving, I am fighting and I am standing up for what I believe in. Every mother, despite her past or her problems is a Supermum and deserves to be accepted and not judged.
