My Family – They Keep Me Fighting
How Do You Explain The Pain Of A Mental Illness?
How do you explain the pain of a mental illness, I can’t yet it hurts so much. My head feels like it’s been hit by a hammer and my heart has been ripped into a thousand little pieces, I don’t have faith in myself any more. I feel like I am drowning out at sea and everyone around me is sat waving and smiling at me, but not saving me.
I need someone to reach out and offer me that help, yet I know deep down inside the only person that can really help me is me.
I am not strong enough to do this on my own, I am tired. I don’t want to keep fighting a battle I know I will never win. Yet I have too.
“You have bipolar Emma, it’s never going to get better over night” is the only reassuring words they can offer me.
But I have been doing this since I was 13; I am now 32 and still living in this nightmare called life. I don’t live I merely exist, in a world full of pain and confusion I am lost and nobody can save me.
I wake each morning with a pillow still wet from the night before tears, I don’t want this anymore, I want it to go away. I want to be normal, be free. I don’t want a mental illness; I can’t be just another statistic. I want to me again, whoever that person was before all of this.
I am angry at the world, at myself, did I do something wrong to become this way?
I cry out for help, yet nobody ever hears me. The shrink, the CPN, the GP’s they all say they understand but how can they?
They dish out medication by the bucketful yet they have no idea about me, not the real me, they just see yet another patient. I am a person, a mother and a wife.
Some days I wake and I just want to curl back up and go to sleep and never wake again. While most mothers pray that the Lord keeps her children safe while they sleep, I pray that he will take me, end my pain.
But I am strong. I will keep fighting. I have no choice.
I can feel the low mood coming on, trying to strangle me, grab me and make me beg to be released again. It is wrapping its firm hold around me, taking me deeper and deeper under. I am clawing my way back up. It’s not getting the best of me. It’s already taken so much.
I despise the person I am, yet it is all I know. I just wish I could start to feel comfortable in my skin.
I wish the pain would stop.
You can read more about my life and what it is like to live with bipolar right here on the blog.
