"When you heart values someone you always return to them." I heard these words the other day while watching an epic foreign drama where the main character finds success and true love against all odds. I began to contemplate these words. Were they true? Could someone your heart values return? There was something to this, something deeper than just the notion of a lost romantic love returning.
Being a child of abandonment , living for decades caught in an endless story of the rejected unwanted child, words such as these immediately would sound beguiling. "True love always is deceptive and should be held under suspicion at all costs", or so my mind always told me. Why? Its simple, Dad left mom, Mom left me, enough said. This trauma left behind a voice whispering, " You are not special enough for someone to stay."
Such whispers kept me in a continuous state of abandonment and rejection. I could lie and say to others "I want" or "I deserve" but inside I knew it was an impossibility for me. I was worthless after all. Due to the impossibility of someone returning to me, someone loving me for me, or for me to really deserve anything I feared being without. And so I became a chaser. I chased love holding on with a death grip pleading begging and falling at the feet of the one I adored. Why? Well, because if I didn't, love would not stay. I had to keep it. I could not fathom having value to another so I took full responsibility of creating that value. I had to be the perfect one, I had to make everything happy, I had to say everything correctly, I had to be in the right energy. If sexy was wanted I became that, if sweet was required that was me, whatever was wanted of me I would make it happen. One mistake, one slip up and that was it, I lose all. And so I did everything I could to stay out of abandonment. I chased becoming whatever I needed to be. But the entire time I was always in abandonment. I had no self. I was just what I had to be.
And so here is the story of my life, my relationships. I would seek attention, glorify in its possibilities, alter myself to suit someone, yet when given attention back I immediately would invariably fall into a state of panic and confusion." What was this? Is it real? Couldn't be real, must have me mistaken for someone else. " I was someone else, nothing was real because I was never real. This lack of authenticity was very frightening so I would grab on harder, doubt the affection all the more and wait for what I knew was coming... rejection, abandonment. Of course it came.
Then my heart found the one. My soul met the one. And I could not be anyone but myself. That meant the fearful one, the panicked one was seen. She couldn't hide. And once abandonment and rejection met the light for the first time, they took over. I was left in a puddle not knowing which way was up or down, only knowing intense pain and fear. No masks, no perfection, nothing could cover up the real me, the one who was terrified. I discovered I didn't know myself. I knew my heart and that it loved but I didn't know the woman that was me. I had not really met her. If I didn't know her how could I know her value, know her worth, know that she could be valued by another truly for herself? I had to discover this, I wanted to discover this, I needed to. I needed to live in the vulnerability that it created in me, me as the true me with another person and love myself. I needed to discover me.
The truth is that it is not someone else who needs to value our heart enough to return. We must value our heart, our person, our soul enough to return to ourselves . We must seek within to find the true person inside discovering our worth and our own value. It is true when your heart values someone you always return to them. But it is self, it the me, who must be returned to first and discover that true love resides within. It is the love we have for who we truly are.
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