Happy Father's Day Daddy!
So much has changed this year, it would have been your first one with your grand daughter! I know she'd love you just as much as I do, I can imagine you throwing her up in the air and tickling her till she couldn't laugh any more, I wish you could meet her, she's everything I've ever wanted and more..
You were in my dream the other day, telling me how proud you are of me and how much you love me, I always wake up so happy when you've been in my dream..I like to think its your way of saying 'hey, I'm always here' :)
Last year I finally plucked up the courage to visit your grave, I won't lie and say it was easy, it was the hardest thing I've ever done (even harder than labor...), I was shaking in the car as we drove up, to me, you're not there, you're all around me, but you'll be proud of me, I did it, I got out of the car and I washed your stone down and tidied up the flowers. Ben helped, I cried, a lot, but I think I needed to do it, for me and for closure I guess..
As we drove away, I felt a sense of ease and relief, like a weight off my shoulders, after not visiting you there for almost 10 years, due to fear..
I just want to say thank you for Ben, thank you for giving me the best man a girl could ask for, he takes good care of me and he's the best Daddy for Abbie too, you'd really like him, he's pretty perfect really (don't tell him that though..)
November was your 40th birthday..you escaped the bullying from me on that one! Ha. Oh what the hell, hahahaha you really are a grandad now! :) I wonder how much more gray hair you'd have now? Hahaha.
I know this is pretty random but people have always asked me, on your wedding day, who will you choose to walk you down the aisle....silly question really, it's easy, you! Why should you have to miss out..I may look silly to others, walking "alone" but I know you'll be there with me, I won't be alone :).
I really must get our video from Spain sorted, it was our last holiday as a family and Im ready to finally watch it, it was amazing, you were so happy! Remember that roller coaster at Tivoli world, the one where you had to hold mums hand because she was screaming? Haha that was fun! Oh abd the waterboats, where you figured out how to spin it round and round but I couldn't figure it out so I got stressy? Ha.
Miss you...
I love you so much!
Jess xxxx
