God Save the Queen’s Budget!

It ain’t easy being Queen. Or prince, princess, duchess or duke.

Recent reports reveal a lot of moths but not much moolah in the British monarchy’s royal bank account. A passel of the palaces are falling apart. Repairs are falling behind while their upkeep climbs. And that’s not all of it. Bottom line – the cost of just being royal is just, well, a royal pain.

Why, in 2001 the Royal Reserve Fund, which is used to fill the annual budget gaps, was stuffed with 35 million pounds (about $57 million U.S.). The latest count has it down to its last million.

Not surprisingly, many members of Britain’s parliament, aren’t happy. Off with their expense accounts, they cry!

OK, not quite that drastic. But they do demand the royal household get a tighter grip on its financial purse strings.

But how does a royal family do that?

Glad you asked. Yeah, you could pinch shillings or whatever you find under the cushions of the palace furniture. But where’s the fun in that? That’s so … common.

Your highnesses, think higher! Actually, you don’t have to think at all – I’ve done it for you. Follow some of the following and I guarantee you prosperity.

1. Resume the Hundred Years’ War and invade France.

Hey, if it lasted from 1337 to 1453 it must have been lucrative, otherwise you would have run out of money 50 years into it. And now’s no better time for you to sneak over there. The whole country’s got their backs to you. They’re all on the lookout for their man-about-town-on-a-scooter president, trying to figure out which French movie starlet he’s hooking up with this week. And consider this – the proceeds from selling off the Eiffel Tower scrap metal alone should bring a pretty quid, or farthing, or whatever.

2. Rent Out the Royal Bling

Do you have any idea how many women get married every year on that island of yours? Me neither. But I’ll bet it’s quite a few. And even more, I’ll bet Buckingham Palace that every single one of them dreams of being the Queen for a day. On their special day, especially. Well, let’s make it happen! For a small fee, of course.

And what about the gang of Beefeaters tagging along to make sure the Crown Jewels find their way back to the Tower of London? The finest, best-dressed wedding ushers, for a small additional charge! Cha-ching!

Sound crazy? A little ridiculous? Picture this – Prince Charles, standing on a busy corner in downtown London. As the cars rush by him he’s holding up a handwritten cardboard sign: “Will abdicate for food.”

I thought so. Bottom line – when the money runs low …

3. … a Queen’s gotta do what a Queen’s gotta do.