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Go Short on Alcohol, Long On...

Posted on the 23 March 2012 by Thecentralfranc @TheCentralFranc
In a bid to curb the country's culture of binge-drinking and drunken debauchery, the British government has ratified plans for a "minimum alcohol price of 40p per unit". Frumpy Home Secretary Theresa May insists that the legislation will not harm responsible drinkers.
Whilst the rest of you reel from the fascist government's latest move to suck all the fun out of life, TheCentralFranc licks his lips at the prospect of some opportunist trading.
This piece of fundamental news is as hot as a flaming sambuca.
The minimum alcohol price will prohibit the flogging of budget booze in bars and off licenses all across Britain. There will no longer be ammunition for Britain's rogues and vagabonds to get off their mammary glands on drink.
TheCentralFranc has decided to go short on the UK's cheapest alcohol brands, which includes White Lightning Cider, Carlsberg Special Brew, and Lambrini.

My ability to think outside the crate saw me go long on other vices and social lubricants, which will replace cheap alcohol as the consumer goods of choice.
I have opted to go long on an eclectic mix of amphetamines and narcotics. My shrewd move has seen me buy stock in big pharmaceutical companies such as Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline, which manufacture some of these substances, and retail stores such as Boots, which sell them.
It's safe to say I'll be enjoying a bottle of 1921 vintage Dom Perignon after this trade. Do the same, and we can make a toast.

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