Dear Aunty,
My wife is having an affair. I know this because she has started washing and putting her teeth in before going to Bingo. I think her lover is the bloke down the road who has his own front door and has on occasion shut it, just to show off.
I was thinking of getting a table to show my wife how much I love her. Can you send me £20 to help cover the cost of the drop leaf?
Do you think this will win her back?
Cokehead Kev, Barnstaple
Aunty Bill Replies;
Dear Kev
As Bernie Winters once said “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King.” I’ve got no idea what he was on about, but I have half an idea it may apply to you.
I don’t see a drop leaf table competing with a man who has his own front door and can open and shut it at will. By himself.
This is serious one-upmanship.
I would instal a water feature in your front garden; nothing grand and it needn’t be expensive – certainly no more than you would have spent on a drop leaf. A plastic neo-Roman urn type of thing can be bought quite cheaply from any reputable plastic water feature retailer.
Usually this comes with a length of hose that you can run from the urn to a tap. Fill said urn with water.
Then ask your wife to grip the end of the hose in her mouth, preferably with her teeth in and on your command of “suck and now blow” you will be amazed as a jet of water, reminiscent of the Trevi fountain, spouts forth from the urn.
Put on a tape of Puccini’s Turandot (you know,the Pirelli tyre song) and you could almost be in Rome.
No opera? No problem! Bernie Winters, “Here’s Bernie!” has a similar effect.
Your wife’s suitor will never open and shut his door again – guaranteed.
Aunty Bill
Aunty Bill’s advice on pressing matters of the heart can be read here and here!
