Dear Fanny,
My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.
I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.
I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?
Keith from Didcot.Darling Keith,
I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.
After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favorite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!
I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.
Fannois
