Posted by Sophie Westrope on March 12, 2013 · 1 Comment
FRESH from the cuddly warmth of monogamy? Itching to get stuck into the dating scene again after weeks/months/years (delete as applicable) permanently stuck in the spooning position with your ex? You might be terrified, you might even be excited. It might’ve been a decade since you met somebody new but come on now, it’s not that difficult to find somebody to snog, hump or settle down with these days. The streets are practically crawling with potential – you can’t swing a cat these days without hitting a singleton. Here’s a handy guide to getting yourself dating ready:
Step One – Cry: Get it out of your system now. Don’t pretend like your tear ducts are empty because you’re not fooling anybody, Weepy Longstockings. When you’re all out of salty droplets or Kleenex, whichever comes first, proceed to Step Two. Repeat until no longer necessary.
Step Two – Sign into Facebook: Update your relationship status to ‘Single’, maybe post a pretty Photoshopped inspirational quote in reference to said change – these seem popular amongst the younger generation – and wait for the Chat boxes to begin popping up from potential suitors. You’d be surprised how many of your ‘friends’ will come creeping out of the online woodwork as soon as they know you’re sans partner.
Step Three – Rebound. Rebound hard: You know what they say, the best way to get over somebody is to get into bed with somebody you’ve never met before. Or something like that anyway. Don’t be too choosy, remember you’re single now so you have to take what you can get, and lay back and forget your troubles. Just try not to cry about your Ex afterwards, nothing kills the mood like a post-coitus sob.
Step Four – Listen to all of your friends’ advice: People are so great in these situations. The world and its wife will want to offer you their many opinions on your situation – let them. Our peers are helpful when it comes to telling you how to live your life. Marvel in their wisdom. Nod when they say that he/she was never good enough for you and believe them when they say you’ll find somebody better. They wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t true, duh!
Step Five – Keep everybody updated with your dating progress: Twitter is your friend. And Facebook. And Tumblr. Pinterest too. Even LinkedIn if you want to be professional. Tweet, post and update constantly about the flurry of dates you’re being asked on and critique your wooers on as many online platforms as possible. The entire planet wants to know exactly how you’re getting on in your new role as a lone ranger in the dating safari.
Step Six – Find somebody. Anybody: When you finally track down the best possible rebound man/woman for the job you can breathe a sigh of relief. No need to panic now, they were right when they said you wouldn’t be alone forever. Settle down in your new coupling and don’t forget to take lots of photographic evidence of your fresh happiness.
