So I’ve been thinking about adding a “From the Men” section on here for awhile, and today I’m actually going to take a stab at it. When bombarded from images on T.V., movies, magazines, and billboards telling us that sex appeal is what men value most, I find it encouraging when a man speaks up for modesty and the value of women that cannot be measured by how much she can offer him. It’s also very helpful to get a peek into the male mind, as I’m sure we can all agree that there is a seemingly insurmountable wall between the way men and women think.
I’ve asked a few men to write candidly of their thoughts on the matter, as well as share their struggles regarding how they strive to love the women in their lives. I’m not exactly sure which direction this new section will take on the blog yet, but I will put articles out there anyway and see what you all think. Some even wanted to write about the miscommunication when it comes to friendships and dating. This first one is from my friend John from 2openhands, in which he defines modesty as “ the will to help others love you as they should.”
—————
Modesty- Helping a Brother Out
In order to appreciate the virtue of modesty, it’s important first to understand its origin and its end. In the beginning, man and woman were both naked and without shame. They could look at each other and, with complete purity of heart, desire wholly to give themselves to each other as a gift. There was no need for them to cover up, because the only message that their body spoke was an invitation to love. This changed when man and woman endeavored to disobey God and gain knowledge of evil. We read as a first order effect that they discovered that they were naked and immediately sought to hide their bodies. Once the possibility (or “knowledge”) of evil enters the realm of humanity, the need for fig leaves instinctively follows. We are endowed with an innate understanding of the amazing goodness (not just goodness actually, but “very good”-ness) of our bodies, so we naturally seek to keep them from any form of degradation. The more obvious reason for this desire is a personal need for protection, but there is also an altruistic logic. The fig leaves are a mercy for the other. When Eve recognized this possibility of being seen as a mere object of lust instead of a subject of love, she covered her body to protect both herself AND Adam. She knew that the love that she was made for would suddenly be a challenge for Adam and, in her longing for that authentic union, established and demonstrated the newly appropriate virtue of modesty.
A Virtue
Modesty, at its root, is the will to help others love you as they should. It’s a recognition that we are a family in this world and that we can (and should) help each other grow in virtue. True, the men in your life have a responsibility to look at and treat you as a sister in Christ – as a person and not a mere object – regardless of how you dress or act, but why not help us out where you can? If it were solely a desire to protect yourself it wouldn’t be a virtue; it would just be self-preservation. Virtue, by its nature, must be rooted in selfless love.
As a man who seeks (albeit imperfectly) to look at women rightly, I am BEGGING you to help me out. I want to look at you as a person. I want to pay attention to what you are saying instead of what you aren’t wearing, but it can be extremely difficult. My eyes are naturally drawn to those parts of your body which are exposed – especially those which portray the complementarity of the sexes. Please realize that this isn’t even a bad thing. The natural fixation of my eyes on your body was part of God’s original plan to call me to nuptial love and union. When Adam first beheld Eve he was STARING at her body in awe of her beauty and how he was meant for her. Think about it, don’t you WANT your husband (current or future) to be mesmerized by your body? Then don’t be surprised if other guys are as well when you expose it.
Not So Simple to Ignore
So what? Why shouldn’t I want all the guys around me to be staring at me? Absent from sin, it would be understandable (and even laudable) for women to take the “if you’ve got it, flaunt it!” mentality. The problem is that in our fallen world, males are taught and inclined to stare at your body as objects for their own gratification. In other words, we stop seeing you as a person and start looking at you as a commodity. Instead of seeing a captivating woman, we see a set of dimensions and the possible gratification of an innate urge. We divorce the loveliness of your body from the beauty of your soul.
It would be nice if it were a simple temptation that I could choose to ignore and, instead, just pay you the attention that you are due, but it doesn’t work that way. When I am with a woman who is dressed provocatively, even at my best moments, I am only devoting half of my attention to her as a person. The rest of my attention is spent trying (with varying degrees of success) to maintain custody of my eyes and thoughts.
I didn’t realize how much of an effect this had on me until I dated a girl who was very modest in what she wore. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for two months and I’m pretty sure that I never even saw her shoulders (and many of our dates were at the beach). I’m not saying that should be your standard, but I am saying that it wouldn’t hurt as much as you think…I had gotten so used to paying partial attention to the women in my life that I hadn’t really thought much of it. Since most other guys are paying much less than half attention, I thought I was doing pretty well (as did many of my female friends). But when I started dating this girl, I was amazed at how much more I was able to appreciate her. We could take walks and talk for hours. She’s a gorgeous woman, but I can’t say that I ever felt compelled to use her. My eyes weren’t wandering from her face to the rest of her body. I appreciated being with her and holding her hand instead of wondering how far it could go.
Many of the good things about that relationship had more to do with her as a person than her clothing choices, but I KNOW that I would have struggled much more to see how beautiful she was as a person if I had been distracted by her wardrobe (or lack thereof).
Don’t Settle
Sadly, I think this is exactly why some women dress immodestly. They want to distract guys from their personality. They know that they have a desirable body, so they expose it to hide who they are inside. They fear that if a man looks too deeply at their personality, vulnerabilities, dreams and aspirations, they might not be so attracted after all. They settle for a shallow relationship because they fear that’s all they can get. If this describes you, please read these words carefully… No mistake you have made and no quirk in your personality can make your soul un-beautiful. The Creator of the universe is captivated by who you are both inside and out. To settle for a man who only appreciates part of your beauty is an insult to your dignity and the love that you were made for.
This was originally posted on John’s blog. Thanks for letting me share!
What other topics would you like to hear from a man’s perspective?
