My anxiety started after my eldest sister passed away very suddenly. I was only 12 and my family were very close and loving, but after she died my father didn’t want to know me, as I looked like her. He’d ask me for a cuddle when he was drunk and crying then then would push me away from him, telling me to “fuck off”.
I was only 12, I didn’t understand. I would cry, all I wanted was my family back to the way it was
My mom and dad turned to alcohol, every night they’d drink in silence and me and my sisters were left sat there wondering if our family would ever be ok again.
The day my sister died my sisters and I were at my uncles house while my parents were at the hospital, as the doctor phoned telling them to go there as soon as they could. It was night time so we couldn’t go.
The next day they arrived back at my uncle’s house and when they walked in my body went cold, when I saw the look on my mom and dads face I knew. I asked desperately if my sister was ok to which my dad replied no she’s dead, he was so cold.
My world was broken that very second and I was shattered every piece of me went numb me and her were very close I couldn’t believe it. I was heartbroken and it was the day after my 12th birthday.
That night when we arrived home my mom and dad sat crying and I sat staring at a cup on the table and thought I want to kill myself, I’m going to do it. I had my first panic attack; I was terrified at what I had thought and how strongly I wanted to do it. I went to stay with my uncle that night, I wanted to be as far away from my family as possible, that way I could pretend it was all a dream.
My panic attacks continued but I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t understand what they were, but I was very frightened of them and thought I was going mad. I was a scared little girl looking for help but didn’t know where to turn for help I couldn’t tell my parents how I was feeling as they had enough to deal with losing their daughter.
I kept it secret, I begun to develop severe separation anxiety with my mum, id follow her everywhere and if she went out I would pace up and down the living room crying, thinking she too would die, it was horrible.
The anxiety and panic attacks eventually went after a few years and by the time I was 14 I felt ok, but my family was still torn apart. My dad still had something against me, it seemed maybe because I looked like my sister I’m not sure, that’s when my mum’s anxiety started, fear of breast cancer was her biggest anxiety and she was a mess and turned to us for help.
I tried to support her as my dad just called her silly but I was only 14. I did my best, it was only when my mom started going through anxiety I realised that’s what I had when I was 12. I felt relieved but still kept it to myself. My mom eventually got passed her anxiety after a few years of hell we started looking forward.
I fell pregnant at the age of 19 and it was the best thing to have happened to my family, finally we had a reason to smile and feel happy and my son glued our family back together and filled the gap in our hearts caused by my sister passing.
I was a happy single mommy to be, the father didn’t want to know but I didn’t care, I was happy I was going to be a mommy. I gave birth to my son in March and was so happy, I took to motherhood right away and had lots of help from my mom and dad and loved seeing my dad smile again.
When my son was about 6 months I met someone and we became an item, though I didn’t let him meet my son as I wanted to get to know him first properly. I was happy finally, I had my baby boy and a new partner but it soon went pair shaped.
I fell pregnant again, the first time we had sex and for the second time my world fell apart. My partner walked out the house as soon as I told him. My mom and dad stopped talking to me but did say if I had this baby I was a selfish mom and a bad mom to the son I already had. I was distraught. I looked for support desperately but there was none.
I wanted my baby so badly but everyone else looked at me like I was dirt. I was disgusting for carrying this baby, I couldn’t bare it. I was pushed into living in my bedroom 24/7 with my baby who was 8 months old. My mom and dad were not talking to me and I would sit in my room listening to them slag me of saying I was a terrible mom for falling pregnant yet again.
I remember hearing my dad say to my mum, “she needs to hurry up and bleed it out” or something to that affect
I would sit there crying, they made me feel like dirt and I believed them. I was a bad mom for been pregnant again. My partners dad turned up at mine and spoke to my parents whilst I was in the room saying how he’d pay for a private abortion, my mom and dad saying how kind he was to offer.
I sat with tears streaming down my face, thinking I want my baby but I couldn’t speak, I don’t know why but I couldn’t
I ran to my bedroom and cried, it was unbearable then my anxiety returned with vengeance and I was about to go through shear hell, my anxiety returned in the form of intrusive thoughts about my son. I had images of hurting him, not wanting to hurt him, just images that I had. Shaking with fear I couldn’t bear to look at my son because of the guilt I felt.
I loved him so much how could I think anything like that?
I kept it to myself for a few weeks with the thoughts continuing. I was a mess, my day was one big panic attack, I was mortified, terrified, alone and pregnant and my partner didn’t give two shits nor did my mom and dad who continued to ignore me and give me dirty looks.
I went to my GP and told him about my thoughts, I thought I was turning into some thin awful. I was convinced they would take my son and to be honest I hoped they would and then he would be safe.
I was not expecting the GP to smile and tell me I had a very common form of anxiety. Anxiety can cause you to think awful things she explained, that lots of mums suffer with intrusive thoughts and it was caused by anxiety and postnatal depression, I felt so relieved.
I wasn’t turning into something awful, but in fact many mums suffer this, the relief wasn’t long lasting, although my GP gave me Valium to control the nonstop panic attacks id had for a month or so I was reluctant to take them. I knew they made you sleepy and I couldn’t be sleepy and look after my son, plus I was pregnant, I didn’t want to harm the baby.
I grew apart from my son, I didn’t want to touch him or look at him. I was too scared too; my life was hell sheer hell. I can’t describe the constant fear I was in. I wasn’t eating through feeling so panicked all the time and my morning sickness wasn’t even letting me keep water down. I lost over a stone and hadn’t eaten in weeks. I don’t know how I even managed to function, but i did.
I began showing a little and showed my mom my tiny slight bump in the hope shed warm to it, but nope she just looked and raised her eyebrow. I arranged to have an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant.
My mom and dad started talking to me again and my partner was happy. I was a mess; I didn’t want to do it. I thought I could not cope, I could not look after the son I had let alone another.
I’m a bad mom and can’t put another baby through this I thought
I went to the hospital with my mom and partner; I was scared and knew I was doing the wrong thing. But that’s what my family wanted. They made me an outcast and secluded me from everything. I was alone and scared.
I sat in the hospital cubical crying so much, I didn’t want to get rid of my baby
I was desperate for my partner or mom to say its ok we will help you keep your baby, but nothing
I changed into the gown and was called into a room where a nurse told me what was going to happen. I went cold and numb and stared into space with tears streaming whilst she told me, she then said are you sure this is what you want and I cried even harder nodding my head no.
I walked out of the room with people staring and cried so much my mom finally said keep the baby ill help you. That feeling was amazing, I could keep my baby and I would have help with overcoming the intrusive thoughts and have support in raising my kids, my partner stayed silent.
We arrived home and within half an hour of me telling everyone I was pregnant, I felt so happy and anxiety free. I could cuddle my son and not be scared. My mom soon turned to me and said its selfish keeping this baby, I said but you said you would help, you said keep the baby and she fell silent. Bang my anxiety returned that instant, how could she do this, how could she be so cold, how could she turn my world upside down again??
My partner rang saying his nan said she hoped id have a miscarriage, I was in so much turmoil it was unbelievable, my dad who had begun talking to me again when I arranged the abortion stopped talking to me again when he found out I didn’t go through with it.
I started seeing a councillor about the abortion and told her I didn’t want too but I was in so much pain, I couldn’t cope, I cried and cried, I was 12 weeks by now, I started losing any feelings and became emotionally numb, it was my only way to cope. My anxiety was at its worst and I arranged another abortion.
My mom and dad once again started talking to me, telling me how it was for the best and that now I was a good mom for having an abortion. I desperately needed my mom and dad back; I needed help with my mental issues.
The morning of the abortion came and me and my ex-partner traveled to the clinic, I couldn’t have it done at the hospital now as I was over 9 weeks. I sat in the car numb feeling sick to the point I was sick at the thought of what was to happen, we arrived there and booked in and sat in the waiting room.
Other pregnant women sat laughing and joking, I couldn’t understand it; they were there to have an abortion how could they not be in the emotional turmoil I was in?
I sat crying with my partner staring at his feet, I was due to go in at 9.30am but that time came and went. Finally by about 12ish I was called in where I was told I needed a scan, I asked why, why on earth do I need a scan? I said no way, you’re not scanning me and they explained rather coldly that they had to be sure of my dates so they could do the right procedure.
I wanted to run, to run a million miles away but my partners mom had driven us miles to get there and I couldn’t face telling her I didn’t do it. I was scared of what she’d say to me. I was so scared of everything.
I laid on the bed with my head turned to the wall whilst she scanned me, tears falling from my eyes like a river, saying over and over I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry to my unborn child
The thought that she was looking at my baby and knowing what I was about to do killed me, the scan was over and I got up and walked back out in to the waiting room where i waited till gone 6pm when they finally called me in, this was it.
I wanted to run, I looked around for a way out when the nurse came and took my arm. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, nothing would come out. I was laid on the bed when I felt a pain in my hand; they were putting me to sleep.
I was woken after and I had been crying the whole time, the first thing I said was sorry whilst I cried my eyes out some more, what had I done?
I was taken to a room to recover from the drugs they used to put me under and was sat on a chair with about 5 other girls al sat sipping water and reading a magazine. I looked around and I was the only one crying the others looked like they were waiting to have their hair done in a salon.
I returned home half the person I was and cried nonstop holding my tummy saying sorry over and over, my dad came home from the pub came up to my room and said how much of a good mom I was for doing it. How it was best for the son I already have, I just felt numb, my anxiety went which surprised me but it totally vanished but I was left with grief and pain and guilt
Two weeks after my partner called me and dumped me over the phone and hung up. I held the phone to my ear still and cried but half of me was glad as he was just a reminder. I took it day by day and gradually stared feeling better no more intrusive thoughts and I was so happy to be able to look after my son again without being scared.
I started to smile again and I was being treated like a person again by mom and dad, though the pain I still felt for my baby and guilt was unbearable. The following year Christmas was getting closer and so was the date I had the abortion the previous year. One evening it came back, I was mortified and terrified once again.
My intrusive thoughts were back, I kept it to myself again through fear of what others would think, I was soon back in that hell hole OF anxiety and constant panic. I saw my GP who again put me on Valium, this time I took them and they did help a lot .After a few months the thoughts went once again. I was so relieved I can’t describe how much.
The next year near Christmas I grew anxious, very anxious, as I feared they’d return but they didn’t and I got on with my life. I met my amazing fiancé who took on my son and we decided to try for another baby. I was so happy. All I wanted since the abortion was to; right or wrong have another baby.
I’m not sure how that sounds to you but my GP said it was common after having an abortion.
I told my mom I was pregnant and told her it would not work this time, I was keeping his baby no matter what and she accepted it.
My son was now 3 years old, I fell very quickly the first month trying and I was over the moon, so was my fiancé, but then at 8 weeks pregnant I started to think about the baby I aborted and the guilt came flooding back as did the emotional turmoil and with that so did the intrusive thoughts.
Not again, I cried, I broke down and told my mom and I thought about suicide, I couldn’t cope with this for the 3rd time. The thought of suicide scared me so much, I rang out of hours GP who sent a doctor out right away, who gave me Valium but I refused to take them as I was pregnant.
The next day I went to my GP and asked for alternative help as I wouldn’t take medication whilst being pregnant, she referred me to a mental health crisis team who saw me every day, came to my house and offered so much support. It was so hard dealing with it being pregnant and having a 3 year old son, but I did it and by 5 months my intrusive thoughts had vanished thank god.
I returned to my happy state but was always wary of it returning, I gave birth to my second son and we were so happy. I was still living with my parents waiting for housing to find me and my family a home. It was hard and I suffered with postnatal depression again but kept strong, then when my baby was 8 weeks out of the blue I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere. It felt like intense pressure and burning sweeping through my body and I thought I was dying.
I jumped up from my bed and rang an ambulance who told me it was a panic attack, I didn’t believe them.
That was 16 months ago now and iv suffered with severe health anxiety since. Every day I have symptoms of horrible illnesses, my symptoms can range from my limbs going numb and I can’t walk to chest pains, head pains, severe dizziness and my skin feels like its burning and 100s of other symptoms every day. I convince myself I have a terrible illness.
I live in fear every day for my health and I’m struggling if I’m honest but I refuse to take meds and I will fight this once and for all. I refuse to let this mental illness reduce me to what it has in the past. I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to stop fighting.
Not a day goes past where I don’t think about my baby, my arms physically ache through longing to cuddle my baby
I know if it wasn’t for his mental illness I would have been strong enough to have told everyone to f*ck off who told me to abort my baby and I would have been strong enough to have coped.
It’s my cross to bear and I shall never forgive myself
I’m now living with my finance and our 2 kids, anxiety is an everyday part of my life now but I won’t give up.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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