I said a several posts ago that Sophie had banned junk food. It’s not really just that now. The weekend has brought out that it is now a hard and fast food rule. Just like in the beginning. No junk food – biscuits, cake, icecream, chocolate, hot chips, crumbed fish etc etc etc. All are BAD food. No reason, just BAD food. Hidden underneath I would guess the resounding ‘you are fat’ is drumming it’s beat, but Sophie is denying it.
There is no SAFE ability to restrict any kind of food for someone with a history of anorexia. Whilst it makes sense to most of us to cut back or just treat ourselves with these types of food, those with anorexia are unable to do that.
Sophie looked shocked I suggested having icecream for dessert when the yoghurt had run out. Looked at me like I was ‘losing’ it when I offered a piece of chocolate. This the girl who about 8 weeks ago would happily eat them and know it was OK. Everything in moderation. A slow sneaking change that can develop into something deeper.
How many times and how long it took her counselor and dietitian to break down the rules and walls in her head, to accept that she could eat these foods. That she could be flexible, could swap foods around. A piece of chocolate today – enjoy it. To challenge herself. I sat in on just about all of these sessions.
On the weekend, she told me she actually had to fight the voice in her head, to enjoy a very small handful of popcorn at the movies. It become an effort, she barely won.
Safe foods are yoghurt, museli bars and fruit. She will eat what I cook within reason. Like I wouldn’t even begin to feed her fried foods. She eats well of the foods she eats and it is varied. So what is the problem, you say????
But and this is the BUT. Normal, healthy, intuitive food intake does NOT involve rules and fears.
Is she safe? Probably at the moment. After all there is a lot going on, and a lot of anxiety with HSC looming. It is only if this momentum keeps going and goes deeper. She has fallen several times, including on the way into anorexia, doing this particular food restriction routine. It is up to her how strong she is in recovery, to keep at this level and no deeper. But even pointing out the obvious to her at this stage, is met with denial.
