Each time I'm home, I find myself looking at the calendar and realizing that I'm not in it. No where in those paintings is there a Momish. No where is there a stepmom looking on over dad's shoulder or chatting with the biomom. No where is there a painting that shows the struggle of Momishes everywhere to fit in. In Rockwell's America, I don't fit in.
Welcome to the post Rockwell America. The America where stepmoms and stepdads are the norm and families look nothing like the iconic image around the Sunday dinner table (aka Freedom from Want) So if today's world doesn't look like that, why are so many stepparents struggling to find their place in the family? Could it be that our society hasn't really embraced the new reality that is the new American family? What do we do to find our place in the home? Here are a few of the things I've done that work for me.
- Be your best self. Becoming a stepparent can bring out a side of yourself you didn't know existed. I found myself becoming my mother & saying and doing things that I never thought I would say or do. Most were little things but they were still out of character for me. I had to remind myself that The Hubs chose me to be his partner for a reason and that person would always be enough. Yes, I'll change and evolve over time but the person I am at the core shouldn't change just because of my new role as Momish. When I'm true to myself I'm much more secure in my new role.
- Lower your expectations. I say this a lot, but I know from experience that we generate these crazy expecations of families (thanks again Norman!) and what we believe they should look like, sound like, and be like. Give yourself and everyone else in your family a break. This is not the same world it used to be. Things have changed. Don't forget to change your expectations too.
- You're not Mom. Yep, I said it. You're not mom. You're the stepmom, or Momish in my case. Do you know that we use Momish because things that are but aren't quite are "ish" so that makes me Momish? Momish means that I'm like a mom but not quite. That's perfectly ok. I'm a great Momish (or at least I try to be) but I'm not his mother. That takes the pressure off. I don't have to be Mom. I just have to be something less than a parent and more than a friend. It's a balancing act every minute of every day but there's less pressure when I remind myself that my job isn't to be Mom.
- Communicate with one another. Talk to one another. Listen more than you talk. Build trust. Keep commitments to one another. Be faithful. Creating an environment of positive communication will make it easier to find your place. Have a teenager who doesn't communicate the same what you do? Set the example for communication between you and your partner and listen more than you talk at your teen. Consider communicating the way they do instead of expecting them to do it your way. Maybe now is the time to learn to text your teen and not be offended when a birthday or christmas wish comes by text or facebook post instead of by phone. It's the new way and while it may not be the "right way" you'll feel better when you relax and go with the flow.
- Be prepared for change. Change is one of the few guarentees in life. Life in a combined family will always change. Truth is, life in traditonal families is always changing too. Learn to go with it. Embrace change and new adventure and new opportunity. You've already asked the kids in your family to embrace their new family (aka embrace change) so be willing to the same. Live by example.
