Diaries Magazine

FFS!? Friday : The Disappearing Man

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
FFS!? Friday : The disappearing man I've discovered a phenomenon of sorts. #1Hubby is intermittently disappearing. FFS!? Vanishing into thin air. FFS!? It only happens when I'm not looking, and he becomes completely invisible to The Feral Threesome.  FFS!? Like when I'm in the kitchen making dinner and helping Miss8 with her homework, and the Twin Tornado come up to me whining / arguing / licking each other / requesting help wiping their bottoms while waving them in my direction.  FFS!? They walk straight past their apparently invisible father and come to me, clearly expecting me to grow another set of hands to assist them while continuing to do all of the things.  FFS!? It also happens almost every time I go to the bathroom.  FFS!? If I'm lucky, there will be a knock at the door (no FFS!?).  Most often not (FFS!?). One, two or all three kids will burst in to ask a burning question that must be answered immediately, and clearly only I know the answer.  FFS!? Like what time is it.  Where is their water bottle.  Can they go outside.  What color is Elmo.  Who is faster, Spiderman or Superman.  Will Dora ever get old.  Where's the iPad.  Can I have something to eat right now because I'm starving and had to get up from the dinner table and abandon my dinner to make this impassioned plea for food.  FFS!? All questions fielded while I attempt a wee.  Unable to wait for me to return to the table, and not suitable for their apparently invisible father who is sitting, enjoying his dinner in peace and quiet.  FFS!? It's pretty much the same when I shower.  Fielding requests for food, drink, lost shoes and toys, changing DVD's or TV channels, and other such direly urgent situations that must be addressed immediately, via the shower, and certainly not via their invisible father who is sitting reading the paper in the next room.  FFS!? In addition to his random and selective invisibility, he is also rendered deaf and mute.  Totally incapable of hearing and seeing his children harassing me, and offering assistance.  FFS!? With super powers like these, he is almost a superhero.
Only not.  The exact opposite.  FFS!? Only me losing my shit rouses him from his invisible, mute stupor.  FFS!? I am like the kryptonite to his Unsuperman.

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