FFS!? Friday: Birthday Cakes

I'd just like to state up front that no, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. FFS!? So I blogged about having the "it's not a party...party" for Miss7, in order to make these bad boys:

Image credit and recipe

What Pinterest did not tell me, was that I would have to give up OVER NINE FUCKING HOURS to make a very poor replica of these. FFS!? I started just after midday last Tuesday. I did not leave the kitchen, surface for air, see the light of day, anything - until almost 10pm that night. FFS!? When I did finally finish, they looked like shit.  Like the Twin Tornado had attempted to slap together the pretty rainbow cupcakes of awesome in half an hour.  With one hand tied behind their backs.  Blindfolded.  Drunk. FFS!?

This actually looks better than mine did. For reals. FFS
Image credit

And no, I'm not going to post a pic of my own efforts, because it would likely break the interwebz. FFS!? I stomped off to bed quite pissy about the wasted time, effort and expense. FFS!? I consoled myself with naive thoughts of my rainbow cupcakes firming up and straightening up in the fridge overnight, so they would not resemble lego-esque leaning towers oozing cream cheese frosting. Or multicoloured bent penises post-happy ending. FFS!? Then I realised I hadn't even wrapped Miss7's birthday presents, so I shot out of bed with enough deliberate flouncing to wake #1Hubby who had been blissfully snoring his non-contributing bloody head off since about 9pm. FFS!? He grunted, rolled over, and said something about putting the chickens and the cat out, before recommencing the thunderous snoring. FFS!? FFS and also, we don't have chickens, and our cat died a few months ago. So I went all Edward Scissorhands on the wrapping paper and crafted some semi-decent prettiness to house her fairly lame gifts.

Johnny Depp fail - the only time he doesn't look dead sexy. FFS!?

I'm totally OTT when it comes to gift wrapping.  I love it.  I love doing it.  I love making it symmetrical and even and pretty and color co-ordinated. This was not that. FFS!? So I now hated the leaning lego-esque towers / faux multi-coloured penis cakes, and also the crap wrapping of the few gifts.  FFS!? Of course I sat down and cried at 11:15pm, my back aching from standing up all day and night, leaning over the kitchen bench, slaving away....for nothing.  FFS?! At that point my mind immediately associated my crap efforts as grounds for Miss7's total and utter shame, humiliation and despair when she awoke the next morning to such 'myeh' gift wrapping and cakes...thus sending her into a spiral of poor behaviour, cutting school, lighting fires, shoplifting, depression, anxiety, and resultant Googling of emo cults to sell her soul to, and therefore resultant long-term pricey therapy that would see me foregoing annual holidays to Bali for cheap cocktails in order to pay for said therapy. FFS!? In short, I had clearly failed her. FFS!? The next morning, presents were opened, #1Hubby went to work, and I set about fixing the cake-tastrophe. We went to the shop, spent even more money, and I made these bad boys instead:

Rainbow Cupcakes Mach 2: Fashioned to look like ice cream cones. No FFS

Huzzah!  I was totally planning on blogging it as a tutorial, as it is the single piece of child-related culinary awesome I have ever created in my life, that doesn't involve a liter of wine. No FFS!? Except that it took 4 hours - the entire morning of Miss7's birthday - which I then had a whole other level of mother guilt over not spending  with her doing something exciting instead of yelling "Go away! Don't touch that! Stop licking that! It is not yours! Ok well it is, but not yet!".  FFS!? Except DearBabyG beat me to the rainbow cupcake tutorial just the other day. FFS!? And don't even get me started on transporting them to the park. FFS!? Or the icing melting at the park because it was hot. FFS!? Or the candles failing to light because it was windy.  Gale force windy. FFS!? I know exactly where I wanted to insert the rainbow cupcake fashioned into an ice cream cone....FFS!?

Image credit