OK OK so I screwed up, yes I know I have done it again. I stopped taking my meds as I thought I was doing quite well without them and yes I was until the front door opened yesterday yet nobody else saw it open. The psychosis had returned as I have not been eating or sleeping properly maybe sleeping a mere 3-4 hours each night, if lucky.
My mind speeds off into many different directions and that constant chatter is back. I ignored it, denied it yet had to hold my hands up and accept I’m Fucked Up yet again. My mind is not switching off, its got a mind of its own. I am neither low or manic, I am rapid cycle, mixed mood, whatever term you want to use. My body is exhausted yet my mind thinks its party time.
I last saw my CPN back in October, did not tell him about my trip to Australia or the plan not to take my medication with me.
Today the appointment was booked, I arrived in good time, thought I better make a good impression.
Thankfully he didn’t look shocked when I told him what has been going on in my life since we last met.
I did feel like the naughty school girl when he looked me in the eyes and said ;
“You have been in the mental health service a long time, but the reason its never worked for you is because you wont let us help you.”
He’s right. I get scared and I run. I let them help me to a point where I feel I can cope and then I say thanks for that and off I go alone. Only to brake again and need to be returned to be fixed.
Having to finally admit that I am fucked up has been difficult. I know I am mess, a walking time bomb and I know the only thing that will and can help me is medication, Sodium valproate to be precise.
Sodium valproate (INN) or valproate sodium (USAN) is the sodium salt of valproic acid and is an anticonvulsant used in the treatment of epilepsy,anorexia nervosa, panic attack, anxiety disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, migraine and bipolar disorder, as well as other psychiatric conditions requiring the administration of a mood stabilizer. Sodium valproate can be used to control acute episodes of mania and acute stress reaction. Side effects can include tiredness, tremors, nausea, vomiting and sedation. Wiki.
I know this medication works, its the only one that has, yet sounds so scary, like the moment you tell anyone you take it they look at you as if your a freak when you say no I don’t take it for epilepsy, which is what many think its for.
I walked into that room with no intentions to reveal anything, yet there I sat sobbing in the chair. I promised that I would not ignore his calls and would agree to weekly appointments for the foreseeable future. He tells me there is hope and I so very much want to believe him, yes this illness is yet again reminding me I am fucked up.
“I want to wake up just for one morning and not worry about what my day will be like or how much it will be a fight just to get from morning to bedtime again” I told him when he asked what I could change if it were anything right now.
An appointment has been made again to see the shrink, no idea why to be honest but the CPN thinks its a good idea and the GP will be asked to fill out a prescription for me to collect, hopefully tomorrow.
I feel like a naughty school girl. I know I only have myself to blame.
So here I go making promises I hope I can keep this time. For those who think bipolar is fun, trust me it fucks up even the best of us.
