Father Damage Control

My youngest son has finally lifted the lid. Being male and asperger expressing his feelings has always been difficult. He is deep and shut this all away. I was waiting for when the break would happen. Watched him cut back on food and exercise heavily. I watched him fold into himself, but was unable to reach him. He is a perfectionist, competitive, obsessive, ridgid as his sister. I have been worried that the eating disorder gene is lying dormant in him. He has though a strong survivor spirit which is weaker in Sophie.

All offers were met with a sunny ‘I am OK mum’. My counselor and Sophie’s team offered to talk to him, to make sure he was traveling OK. And of course all brushed back.

No he’s is not. Year 11 pressure was the straw that broke him. He finally broke down in tears last night and spilled years of hurt in a few articulate words. He watched a family disintegrate, unable to do anything about, knowing years before it would fall apart – but when. Just like my other two children, but who talked to me during those years. I thought he was too young to notice as much as they did.

I offered this morning if he wanted to see his dad more. All my kids have said once a month is more than enough contact with their father. They cannot cope with more. But I wondered if my youngest needed the male bonding at this particular age – his is only 16. His reply broke my heart. I sometimes wonder how a broken heart, continues to break. How many tiny little pieces can it break into. ‘No mum, I don’t like dad, he is narcissistic. I learnt that years ago and stayed clear of him.’ I am amazed at his insight when much younger, amazed at his strength to survive, speechless of my part in hurting him, aching that I cannot undo the past.

You stay in environments to protect, you leave environments to protect. Either way you end up creating damage and mess despite the best intentions. Neither are wrong. Women stay for many reasons all of which are valid and real. So same goes for those who leave. Judgement cannot ever come into it. Now my son has opened up and wants to understand, I can now give him that gift. Of why I stayed, of why it went wrong. That he is in no way to blame or feel a part of what was between parents.

Domestive violence, narcissim and psychopathic behaviours take a lot of explaining. Two are illnesses that need to be understand and boundaries put in place to protect yourself. DV may no longer happen, but the effects of anger and an unstable home have become a part of my children’s psychology.

Repairing the damage we do to our children whilst trying to protect and save them is the biggest challenge. I can only go so far, my son (my children) will have to take on the rest themselves. Put back the pieces of the puzzle, heal the pain, gain perspective on the past and future, learn to forgive. I walked this with my other two children. Am still walking it with my daughter. Now my youngest son is allowing me to walk with him. Hope for me is that he finally opened up, he trusts me and he wants to put this behind him.