It has been many months since I’ve blogged here, a real post I mean, with expression – something meaningful and from the heart. I went completely off track. Through some health concerns, major stress, and once again placing everyone else above myself, I’ve in fact ended up with many blank pages here. So I’m going to try to get back in the saddle. We’ll see what happens.
So I’ll begin by saying I woke up this morning with red, sore, tired eyes from having cried myself to sleep last night. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Sometimes it’s just necessary to let it all flow. I was lying in bed and had finally come to the realization that I am out of balance in the give and take department. It hit me, how I have managed to surround myself with people who really have depleted me of anything more I have to give. I have always been one to offer myself up to people in need, listen to their rants, their problems, and be their shoulder to cry on. I have always offered to be the springboard for ideas and a stress reliever when they are burdened. In fact, I’ve always really loved this quality about myself and it makes me feel good, a genuine happy feeling inside. But I am human too, and although I can go a very long time with carrying a very heavy load, I will drop those bags eventually, and when I do they fall hard at my feet.
I tend to go to bat for everyone, super hero for justice and fair-play. Even with people I consider close to me, I will always be honest with them, give an honest assessment – even when it’s not the answer they had hoped to hear. I will be the first to speak up when someone gets the short end of the stick, be their voice, and be the defending shield for all things negative flying in their direction. Last night, I laid in bed wondering where these same people are when my cape is off, when I lie in the field of vulnerability. Where have they all gone when it’s me needing a shield, a hand, an ear? Where did they run off to as bullets fly all around me, as smoke fills the air? No where to be found. While I’m off fighting for them, they are in a sense behind the front lines enjoying the spoils of war without getting dirt from the battlefield upon their own hands. Funny thing too, it also seems like after it’s all said and done, they actually become quite cozy with those who have started the whole thing in the first place. As two parties sign that peace treaty, I am left in the prisoner of war camp ~ waiting for my release. Not that I don’t believe in forgiveness, as I completely do. I just do not believe in fake people, fake friends or fake family. I can spot them a mile away, and I do not believe in investing my time and energy into people who deplete me and those I consider friends, of our energy. I would rather cut my losses and move along. While I am among those who feel love for all, I will not remain with those who are phony. While I believe in second and even third chances, I also believe there is a time to end the cycle of being hurt and move along.
There are really only a handful of people in life you can actually count on. I mean really count on. Sure, there will be buckets of those offering you a hand, an ear, or that say “if you need me I’m always here”. Truth is they really never extend their hand and only reach for one when they need lifting up themselves. Which is fine, there will always be givers and always be takers. It’s fine to be a taker, provided you balance it out by occasionally being the giver. When you don’t, I think you become a drain. While I fully understand the concept of acknowledging feelings and then letting them go, even I struggle with the rigors of life. I am and always will be constantly learning, changing course, and figuring out how to let go of unhealthy relationships.
So as my cape is at the cleaners, being rid of all the negativity I have let settle into its weave; I will get back to myself. I will try and find that person I willingly let fall the to wayside months ago. I will focus, for once, on the things that strengthen me rather than the things that deplete me. I will no longer try to save the world all by myself and I will no longer invest my love, energy or time into those who are incapable at the moment of understanding the importance of returning even a minute portion of that to me in my own time of need. And these pages, hopefully, will once again be filled with some positive energy and thought.
A very good friend of mine spoke to my heart this morning and left me with this thought:
Super Heroes also take care of themselves first and foremost because if they don’t they have nothing left to help those that DESERVE IT.
(J.V. Manning from Random Thoughts Blog)
With that I encourage anyone out there who is stuck in the muck and in a similar situation, take a moment to really let your feelings out, have a good cry, and understand that you yourself have to come to the conclusion to unburden your mind from the people who don’t hold you in the same regard as you hold them. When you realize the impact you can have on your own emotional stability, that is the first step to making a change and freeing yourself once again to take back who you really are deep down. And, it’s perfectly okay to say goodbye to people! Some say to never say goodbye. I used to say that too. It is much better to say goodbye to something than to stay in a place of sadness and permitting yourself to feel invisible and unimportant. You only have one voice, use it the best way you can, and break the barriers you have created around yourself.
