I have achieved what I thought the impossible. An Easter weekend with no depression waves. Every year for as long as I can remember, Easter, Christmas and my birthday were always a big depression build up. I could feel it coming like this huge tidal wave. The actual day itself was just trying to survive and make it through to the end of the day. I would wake and instantly wish it was night and I could crawl back into bed. A day of two later the depression would gradually sift away and I would basically return to normal. Normal depending upon what level of depression I was in originally. LOL.
This year, no build up. No depression. I woke each day looking forward to the day ahead. I don’t need to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Clearly the family and emotional expectations are heavily tied to my depression.
These occasions meant family dinners regardless of what I might wanted. My ex partner always home on leave because of the public holidays. Doing and seeing to be doing the expected. Treading on eggshells, not putting myself in any limelight, cause if I did, there were plenty of subtle, negative comments to bring you down. Not just from my ex partner but my mom too. It was always a case of sneaking under the radar and just getting through.
Don’t get me wrong I loved my mom and I miss her. At the time I also was committed to my partner. But just because you love someone or they love you, does not guarantee it is a healthy one. ‘Loving’ relationships can be just as toxic as unloving ones and can cause us just as much emotional pain and outfall. It is only when you are on the other side can you really see the toxic relationships for what they are or were.
To suddenly be free of both of my worst toxic relationships is indeed a gift. I can compare before and after, I can see and feel the difference. I can see just how much my kids have blossomed and settled not having their father in their lives so much. Sad as all this is, it is also the next stage of life. It is where we can begin to unload the baggage we carry, and reach out to discover more about ourselves and life. There may just be that possibility of being able to remove the medication that has held up me for so long. That makes me smile.
