Ok. I have never written anything for a blog before, and to be very honest, I don’t even know where to start. I am so nervous about this. For the first time I am telling my story to members of the public. For the first time ever, my story is open to opinion and I am terrified!
So where do I start? How do i manage to tell my story without it sounding like a jumbled mess of words?
Well, I was 14 years old when I first met John. He was the big brother of one of my best friends at school. Aged 20, i thought he was amazing! He had a job, a car and money. To a young, niave 14 year old school girl, these things are beyond impressive. At the time i was dating a boy from school who was the same age as me, so I didn’t look at John in a romantic way.. more of a friend to be very honest. But he didn’t even notice me. So I just left him and only spoke to him if he spoke to me. Next thing was, he had a really bad accident. He nearly died. This happened at the same time as me dumping my school boyfriend. Good timing? Perhaps not, but this is vital to my story.
John made it out of hospital not long before i turned 15. Thats when everything started. Once he found out i was single, he started to show an interest in me. Little comments. Little remarks. Always taking photos. And now he wasn’t working anymore, every time I went round to my friends house he was there. I guess i felt sorry for him at first. He had just nearly died. But soon a bond began to grow and I started to have feelings for him. He was 21 and I was 15. We were an item within weeks.
I am skimming over the early stuff, because it’s really not so important. Infact, its all very ordinary and boring. Until February 2005.
I had been a virgin when I first met John. Not wanting to have sex before marriage. But john soon started working on changing that. I was besotted with him, and he knew it. He was so lovely at first. Constant positive comments, always reassuring me and making me feel good. But he would also slip in horrible little negative comments. “Nobody else will care for you like I do” “all the boys your age will just hump you and dump you” “I love you, if you loved me you would sleep with me”
Looking back, I can see that he was messing with my head and trying to make me feel like i could never do any better than him. At the time, I did not notice this. I cannot tell you all how much I wish I had seen it. If I had, the next 4 years of my life would not have been the hell they were.
So, in February 2005, after dating for almost 3 months, I finally slept with him. I hadnt wanted to. He had forced the subject so much, and told me he would leave me if I didnt. I simply closed my eyes and tried to think of nice things. We were in his mothers flat in gateshead. A scummy little 2 bedroom affair. Not how I pictured my first time at all. I lay and cried my heart out when it was over. He simply lay next to me smiling and said “well you had to do it sometime. No man likes a frigid girl”. After that, he was lovely. The model boyfriend for a few months. I couldnt bring myself to have sex with him again, and thats when it all began to change.
At first it was simply minor changes. but it didnt take long for it to turn really nasty, and by December 2005 my life was a living hell.
John controlled my whole life. I was his puppet. All he had to do was say “jump” and I would say “how high?” He would cut all contact with me for weeks, and I would be lost. Then he would come crawling back. I was too scared to leave him. I truely believed that no other man would want me. everything I did was dictaed by him, and if I stepped out of line, it would be a swift dig in the ribs, or a crack across the back of the head.
I lost all my friends. I had no Friends, no life. All I had was john. He told me where i could go, who i could go with. How i could dress, and if i stepped out of line, i had to deal with his fists. I started college in september 2007. Finally a chance to make friends and start again? No. He had a copy of my time table, and if i was late back to his flat, he would beat me until I begged him to stop. Never where you would see a bruse though. The ribs were his favorite.
One night, I can remember coming back to his flat late from college. I had been for a drink with some people off my course. I walked in and he was fuming. He pinned me up against the kitchen wall by my throat, and I genuinley thought i was going to die. I pulled a knife off the bench and held it to his face. He dropped me, but preceeded to kick the shit out of me, All I could do was cry and wish to god that I was out of this nightmare.
I tired to tell people what was happening, but my friends didnt believe me. Anyone who met John didnt believe me. Everyone thought he was so nice. John also told me that if I ever told anyone, he would kill my mam and dad. I was so niave. I was so scared. I was fully under his control.
From the age of 15 until the age of 18 (almost 19) He controlled my life, my friends, my social activites. He beat me and he raped me. He shattered my self confidence and reduced me to a shadow of my former self. I didnt think it would ever stop.
Then one morning, I woke up. I was still living with my parents at the time. I woke up a month before my 19th birthday and looked at myself i the mirror.
I didnt recognize myself, and it was at that very moment I asked myself what I was doing.
It was that very day that I cut all contact with John. I changed my mobile number, my email address and stopped messaging him on myspace and facebook. It was the hardest and best day of my life. I was finally free.
A week after that, he started dating his cousin. Sick I know.
For months and months he still tried to make my life hell. He would message me on facebook, refusing to give me my belongings back. Trying to assert control over the tiniest part of my life that he could. I simply ignored him. Finally, aged 20, after 5 years, I was free!!! He stopped messaging me. He stopped contacting me.
I am now 22. Married, and I have a 2 year old son. I am finally happy. I never thought it would happen, but it did.
As for John? He is living in Yorkshire with another innocent young girl. He will never change, but I have moved on with my life.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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