Dating Magazine

Does He Think You’re a Stalker? The Only Way To Know For Sure.

By Kelly Speechless @KellySpeechless

Answer The Fucking Phone!

Before we get into social stalker lingo and stigma’s I want to reference something I personally find annoying. Most of the time, if she or he would answer the phone the first time then the “stalking,” extra seven calls would not be needed. There is no excuse to go MIA for two day’s if you’re dating someone or with someone. Pretty soon our cell phones are going to be so advanced, there will be an application that gives you a back massage. My point is this: The socially recognized advancement in our world’s technology mixed the understanding that you’re not that big of a dumb ass. You can’t prove you have a brain and then later act as if you are suddenly to dumb to function.  Even if you say, “I hate you,” please answer. If your phone dies, cries, is stolen, or broken you can still use someone else’s phone in a less than 3 feet proximity.

If You Really Want To Quickly Call Off The Crazy.

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If a person shouldn’t be calling at all,  and blows up your phone then handle it quickly. Let’s say this person was once someone you wanted to talk tp and is now someone you wish you had never met but keeps calling. First make sure you don’t want to speak to this person EVER AGAIN. Now the next time,  she or he calls answer the phone and say, “Please do not call me again. Thank you.” (SAY THIS USING THE SAME WORDS I STATED). I know what your thinking. Your probabley thinking that repeating this exact statement sounds cheesy, weird, not how you would say it, and won’t work. Well you are right! This is phase 1 and they all have to go in succession to work properly. Your tone also needs to be the, “ordering a pizza voice.” The voice you use to order a pizza is not to nice but not to blaze. You are also thinking about something so you are not so open to send out emotions such as fear, guilt, stress, or care. Don’t forget to practice your pizza ordering voice tone.

If he or she persists AGAIN answer the phone and say,-“Is there anything that you need?” (you do this just in case the person really just wants their stuff back. They might have left something at your house for example. There can also be a similar sort of understandable message that you would not object to acting on).

“Is there anything you need?” (90 seconds on your watch. Ready to time it? Ok….GO!)

Jeopardy Music plays for 90 seconds in your head…do do do do do do DO do do do

If this person does not come up with anything justifiable in 90 seconds Then say, “I am sorry if I caused you to feel this way. If you contact me again I am going to call the authorities/cops/police.” Say this statement exactly as it is read except you can pick your word for calling the cop’s.

IF she or he calls again, CALL THE COPS! File a police report and meet with a lawyer to see what options you have in terms of well…anything.

I Will Stop There: Any further than this would take on another topic.

Just Remember:

  • You just don’t want to talk to this person.  Lastly, If you think that there will be even the slightest chance you will want to contact this person ever again (booty calls count) than don’t follow these guidelines.

If I Wanted To Really Blow Up Your Phone I Would Use Explosives….Maybe…

Sorry Ladies, If we repeat our communication attempts we are automatically open for the label of “stalker.” 

My Two Cent’s and More…(I am using the fun valley girl voice in my head in the statements below)

OK, I get the whole “stalker,” lingo used for chicks. If you OMG, call three times, and leave a text, and show up at the same party then your totally a f-ing stalker!

Really? No! Please. Your not a stalker, you’re not obsessed and you’re not crazy (in the are of stalking at least).

Society Says Re-Dial = Stalker Profile.

Short Story: “Frank Plays Show And Tell At The Bar.”

BIO – Frank: 23 male and during this story still sober. He just arrived at the bar and met up with his group of friends. He hears a text message high volume signal and decides to inform his friends that a new stalker is walking the earth.

Frank Say’s: “Man, this bitch is blowing up my phone!”

frank see’s: he looks at to no one specifically but three males in close proximity suffice his loud verbal summons call to the podium; so to speak. 

Frank does: (1. laughs in higher pitch with words spoken in lower pitch. 2.frank centers on one person then looks around for the second most eager male candidate to show this event to close up).

Frank Say’s:“Come here look at this shit man!” Frank says while looking back down at his phone like it’s a lifetime NFL ticket package.

*Twiddle Dee comes over and we can’t blame him-everyone would want to see ok! That is the problem.

Twiddle Dee: “She’s a fucking stalker dude. (insert sexual infused justification retort here) fuck man.” (1.laughing in same low-high style Frank executed earlier 2. puts his hand behind Frank’s shoulder while laughing and released with a firm “pat of the palm.”).

They get drunk. No one reports a stalker on the loose. Frank’s bushes are free of humans all night. Frank doesn’t get secretly video taped, no one gets a “Frank Life DOT COM,” tattoo on their ass.  – At least not this Frank.

The End.

Reflection Mambo:

So in this story we observed how any repetitive behavior made by a woman can be labeled or have her socially branded as a  “stalker,”or someone executing stalker-like behavior. If hiding out in front of your ex boyfriends house with binoculars, some device, all while sitting in the bushes is equal to phone redialing then I should have crawled up the fire escape.

Crazy Chick

Crazy Chick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why People Smile While Being “Stalked.” –  THE FEMALE VERSION – LISTEN UP GUY’S THIS IS FOR YOU!

Elizabeth: (Elizabeth is talking to one of her friends) “OMG he is such a stalker. He won’t stop messaging me. It’s so weird. Get a life loser, I don’t like to be called seven times a day by you!”

Elizabeth is full of shit.

Let Me Explain: She likes the attention. She likes being in this position. You might be asking, “Why?” Well, there a few possibilities below.

Scenario 1: Elizabeth secretly likes the guy she is bitching about that won’t leave her alone. She even flirts with him and might even talk to him on the phone or MySpace, and Facebook regularly.  BUT since this guy doesn’t pass the “my friends think he is the shit,” test she has to fight her affection by leading on this guy.  When Elizabeth get’s to close to the guy she call’s a “loser,” she makes sure to keep her friends in the dark.  By bringing this guy up, she can alleviate her guilt from liking him. As long as everyone she knows has an understanding  that her connection to this guy is solely based on “his stalker,” status than her paranoia subsides.

Scenario Two: Elizabeth loves having a guy in her life that she can call her stalker. Why? She can tell everyone! She can announce that someone in the world thinks she is hot shit. She is basically trying to convey  that being stalked means you so great that someone out there must take their admiration to far. In this case she is either exaggerating the guy’s calls. Or she is playing a little cat and mouse game with him. She doesn’t usually respond to his texts but when he stops texting her she will chime in again.Why would a guy put up with that? (you might be wondering) well, he is establishing connections with the possibility of a future in bed with this person. He thinks playing a little text game is easy, and worth it in the end if this leads somehow, someway to pussy.

Scenario Three: Elizabeth Is A Whinny Bitch Who Wants To Have Something To Whine About.

Elizabeth loves to complain and for people to feel sorry for her. The stalker guy situation is currently the best and only card she has to play. If she wants to keep listeners who sympathize with her whining, she needs to take what she can get in terms of material. If Elizabeth calls the cops on this person she will risk losing the excuse she has to complain.

The Only Way To Tell If Someone Really Thinks You’re A Stalker:


COPS (TV series)

  • You are surrounded by bars.
  • Your family is being contacted to either tell you to stop the behavior.
  • There is a police report.

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