And that means doctor day for me
My usual doctor is out sick and has been for the past 2 weeks so I've been seeing another lady
She is lovely
Last week I told her about my dizziness and weakness
Today she checked my blood pressure again which was really quite low
She decided to take some blood to check that everything is ok
My veins are shockingly bad
I guess years of injecting drugs have taken their toll on my poor arms
First she tried in the crook of my arm with a tiny butterfly needle
No joy there
Then she tried in the back of my hand
Still no luck
She decided to leave it and try again next week
Having blood taken is strange experience for me
When a needle is put in to my arm, I am used to feeling the amazing rush that comes with taking heroin
And when blood is taken, I almost expect to feel the same thing
But of course that doesn't happen
I was never really afraid of needles
They just didn't scare me
When I took heroin for the first time I smoked it
The next time I did it I injected
Injecting was a small price to pay for such an amazing buzz
As time went on my veins all collapsed and I had to find other sites
The biggest and juiciest veins were in my neck so that's where I used
Try to inject in my arms became virtually impossible
I remember spending hours poking and prodding trying to find a suitable vein
My arms were so bruised and full of punctures and scars
There is nothing as frustrating as being sick and not being able to get the drugs in to your system
The act of injecting in itself can be quite addictive
I don't know why but there is something so satisfying about seeing the blood flow in to the barrel of the needle
This doctor I saw today really was helpful
My usual doctor never takes my blood pressure
Only takes blood if I ask him to
Rarely asks me about my ED
I've seen this doctor every week for the past 8 years
When I'm there we rarely talk about my health or medical matters
It seems that we have run out of things to talk about with that subject
We could talk about anything from films to books
It's a bit out of the ordinary I suppose
The lines are a lit blurred
I'm not sure why but I felt a lot more comfortable taking to this new doctor today
I often find that I can talk easier to a stranger than I can to someone I know
Maybe because I don't want to disappoint them
Maybe because I can't let them down
Maybe because she is a woman
She was very thorough
My own doctor is very laid back
This can be very confusing for me because I get different messages from him and from Mary
Mary calls my case 'acute'
And that it is urgent that I change my behaviours
On the other hand my doctor doesn't seem to worried
But as my mother says, my doctor is a GP and Mary is an expert so she obviously would have greater insight
Because my blood pressure was low the doctor today put me on a tablet called Midon
I'm not thrilled about being put on another medication and I don't even know of I'm going to take it
I'm on enough meds as it is
I would say that if any normal person took the amount of medication that I do every day, they would hit the deck for sure
I decided to invest in a blood pressure monitor to keep an eye on it
I found a neat little one for 19 euros in my chemist
Dr Ruby at your service
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We have another wedding coming up in December
What is it about weddings that strikes fear in to my heart?
Last summer I attended my cousin's wedding in Italy
I started feeling anxious months before it and even now I am slightly dreading this upcoming one
I'm not 100% sure why
Maybe because it's a long day with lots of food
A lot of people
Although I have a few months to get myself in to a good frame of mind
The sick part of me wants to seeing how much weight I can lose in that time
But the rational part of me knows that if I work hard I could be in a good place by December and I could even enjoy myself
I've already been conjuring up ways that I could get out of going
But I think going in to treatment to get out of a wedding is pretty extreme
Anyway I'll see
I was feeling particularly large yesterday
As I walked my dogs I felt so big
I was sure that I had gained
So I decided tow eight myself
To my surprise I had lost
It just didn't make sense to me
Not at all
It just goes to show that I can not trust my own eyes
Or even how I feel
The only way I can really judge is to weigh
I'm not actively trying to lose weight so I'm not quite sure why my weight continues do drop
I am purging a lot though
Anything from 5 - 10 times a day
It seems to be getting worse
I don't even admit this to Mary
I tell her that I purge 3-4 times a day
Are you totally honest about your ED with many people?
Are you like me and find it really hard to be honest
