I’d like to think that I’m part of a family who is pretty close to each other, I have 5 other siblings. We all get along pretty well with each other a lot of the time. But I feel so distant with my eldest sister Sam (not her real name) who moved away years ago, we used to tell each other everything, we’d have our own private jokes; talk over Facebook, text each other frequently, and she even had her own special nickname for me. It’s not because of her moving away that we became distant it’s because I’m not part of the ‘baby clan’.
Sam has children and 2 years ago my other sister Cassie (again not her real name) and Sam had a baby around the same time. Sam and Cassie have always been pretty close but ever since Cassie got pregnant and had her baby I’ve always felt that Sam’s contact began to dwindle. I know she probably wanted to be there for my sister being a first time mother, see what the two children are doing etc but she wasn’t the only one who needed support around that time.
I was going through my last year of sixth form, doing the exams that would make or break whether I was a teacher or not, whether I could be a success or not. I had my parents who asked how I was but I could never tell them that I couldn’t do it anymore, I had my brother to talk to too but we normally just joke around, we never really cover serious issues. The one person I would have loved to talk to was Sam. I needed her to tell me that I would be okay, that I could do this.
In my first year of university I visited Sam as she lived pretty close to my university and I was feeling pretty homesick, I thought the visit would help as I was seeing family and I could talk to her. But when I got there I realised that I hadn’t spoken to her in so long I didn’t feel that I could talk to her. In fact being in the same room as her was just awkward.
Since Cassie and Sam had their babies I feel I’m not acceptable anymore because I don’t have a baby, because I have a baby I’m no longer worth talking too, because I’m not in the baby clan. Obviously I wouldn’t change the fact that I was given two new nieces and nephews but I just wish I could have my sister to talk to again.
We never speak to each other really anymore. Occasionally we’ll write on each other’s wall on Facebook or she’ll text me to ask her to tell Dad something but that’s about as far as she goes. Sometimes I wonder if I miss having her as my rock or I’m just jealous of what she has with Cassie.
Either way, I don’t think I’ll be able to have the same relationship with Sam anymore things are just too awkward to make an effort, especially when it seems that she can’t be bothered with me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if I become her sister again if I become part of the ‘baby clan’.
This anonymous post was submitted to me for the blog via email.
