Yesterday was one of those days where you think; "Seriously, if someone is trying to send me a universal message - I hear you, now give me a break!" I taught for six hours, I LOVE teaching the Orientations for ABE/GED students... but it can be emotionally draining to inspire and motivate other people - especially people who have been beaten down by life, but it's the MOST rewarding thing about my life right now. So I talked to my students about learning styles, goals, motivation and barriers. I pumped them up to believe in the power of positive thinking, and goal setting.
I have been plagued by some foot issues for the past week; I am always nervous with no health insurance - my mom has had foot/circulation issues, as did my grandma - plus my weight and being an ex-smoker I am hyper aware of when things don't feel right. So after standing on my feet all day, my right foot was screaming at me, and I was noticibly limping my way to the door at the end of the day. I stopped to talk to two of my co-workers who were outside taking a short break, and I was bemoaning my pending "death" by foot issue and lack of insurance to do anything about it. I was saying it in typical Amy fashion; worried but making jokes, and smiling about my pain - and I was still talking but moving towards the parking lot as my co-workers listened on from the sidewalk. A small red pick-up with two men(approximately in their 40's) pulled right between me(in the parking lot) and my two co-workers on the sidewalk, and stopped in front of me. I looked at the men with a big smile on my face, thinking they needed directions - or wondering if one of my students needed something, when this complete stranger simply said, "I saw you on a WANTED poster for Jenny Craig." I, smiling even bigger said(sarcastically) "Oh gee, Thank you, that's really nice." He drove away, with a grin - totally amused.
I asked my co-workers if they had heard what he said, they hadn't(cowards usually don't speak loudly) and I repeated the "man's" words, and they immediately said, "That guy who was just coming out of the Child Support Offices? He had NO room to say anything about someone's weight..." We then traded retorts we could think of after the moment...a lot of explatives and some discussions of carrying weapons were mentioned - JOKINGLY, kind of. :) I then got in my car, and as it was definitely time to go home. On my drive, I kept thinking DO NOT break into tears... DO NOT let that asshole affect you, or hurt you. I also didn't want to see him driving, and give him the satisfaction of having hurt my feelings. When I was 16, things like this happened weekly - boys were so fucking cruel. At that time, I usually broke into tears and felt the comments to my core - believing that I was unworthy of love or kindness. I was also affected daily by my older brother, who flat out said he didn't love me because he was embarassed and disgusted by my "lard ass."
I knew that I would burst into tears when I walked in the door of my safe home - I could barely wait to hold my sweet pup, and feel his unconditional appreciation as I walked in... I didn't want to cry - but let me say this; "I would rather be a person who has the strength to show my feelings, over a person who is so miserable with their own life ~ they feel the need to hurt others in order to feel better about themselves." I picked up my dog, and held him - tears running down my face... my boyfriend's first words upon seeing me were, "Hi honey! You look so cute today, what's wrong?" I thought, "god sent me this man... he could not have said anything more perfect!" I told him what happened and he immediately said, "Come here," with his arms open to hold me... I felt such relief. For a few minutes on my drive home, I actually felt sorry for him - worried he would be embarassed or ashamed of me - after all my own brother was. But not my sweet Graham. Today, he is sending me links to blogs he is reading and posting things on Facebook about punching the asshole - he is truly horrified that I experience this kind of discrimination - and that validates me more than anything he could say. He is not trying to fix it, he is trying to understand it - and he gets how violating it all is. The quote he sent me, that he thought was awesome; "Jesus-Carb-Loading-Christ people, we are fat - not rapists!" So true - I am not hurting anyone but myself - why why why why why why why why why why why why why why the hate towards the Obese????????
To put the icing on my day(oh how I wish it was icing) I called Kaiser Permenante(a local medical group) who had sent me an email saying I could get a free quote for health insurance and possibly have medical coverage by October. The rates were so affordable, I had high hopes(knowing to beware of anything that looks too good to be true) that I could possibly get health coverage(not an option for Adjunct Faculty through the College I teach at). Everything was going well, the agent I spoke to then said - do you have any pre-existing conditions to which I proudly said, nope! And then I hesitated and said, unless being overweight is a pre-existing condition. She asked me how overweight I was, and I told her; "Obesity is defined as 100lbs over your BMI, I have been Obese since childhood according to that definition." She immediately told me that Obesity a pre-existing condition they won't touch, the medical communitly claims Obesity is: "The number one pre-existing condition to cause any number of health-related concerns." I have NOT ONE of those concerns: NO high cholestorol, no high blood pressure, no pre-diabetes, none of it. A smoker would not be considered as high of a risk... EXCUSE ME, SERIOUSLY!!!!!!???!!! Now some of you maybe thinking the medical community is right - hell after being told the horrible things for the past 20 years, I've questioned it too... but it's more discrimination than not. Being overweight is not more of a pre-curser to bad health than genetics, smoking, or a number of things - especially if you eat well and excercise - but the medical community has held tight to these claims. This is the same medical community who believed women should be committed to mental institutions for PMS as late as the 1960's. They are Doctors - NOT GOD.
I will be sharing more about all of this, but for now let me just say that last night was an epic battle to not comfort myself in the way I know best. My boyfriend and I had already planned to have some kind of take-out for our once a week splurge - but because of the day's realities, I was so friggin' torn between starving myself(I felt sick to my stomach) and gorging myself. My boyfriend was really craving cheese and was voting for TWO pizzas from a chain(it was a deal right now) and I almost gave in --- after MUCH discussion, and me trying desperately to honor myself and have a splurge day that I could feel respectable about - we ended up getting two PERSONAL=small Amy's Kitchen(organic) pizzas, and some Frozen Yogurt(which made us both feel ill - too much dairy/sugar).
But our choices for dinner were a victory for me:
1) I could have said eff it, let's eat until we puke = self punishment.
2) I was true to myself depite the day's events, and my boyfriend's craving (and mine, duh!) for crap-food.
3) I let myself feel my feelings, and I cried - because feeling pain takes more strength than burrying it.
