I thought I would write something in regards to depression and anxiety. I believe there are too many individuals who are scared to speak about depression and anxiety because they are afraid of what people will think. Firstly, I want to make it clear that I am writing based off my experiences, and what I have experienced with others who do go through depression and anxiety. There is a stigma out there that going through depression is shameful or a sign of weakness. I try to tell myself daily, I am not weak and I should not feel shameful. But sometimes it gets the best of me.
However, some people around me may not seem to understand the depth of my depression and anxiety. Just because I have a roof over my head, a job, a car, and a family does not make me feel any less depressed. I believe this is more psychological. I am aware that I have great things going for me and I am thankful always, but there is more to it.
It was back in 2007 when I first experience a full on anxiety. I did get anxiety for minor things such as going to the doctor and all, but this was different. That was the first time I felt that I did not have absolute control over my life. That death is upon me at any moment. I was scared of dying and losing people essentially. Only because so many people that I cared for were dying around me. It was funerals after funerals I was attending, and it wasn’t making me feel confident about living a full and long life.
So there it was, the beginning of my ultimate fear. I believe that when we lose our loved ones through death, or even if they decide to walk out of our lives, it become detrimental to our wellbeing. Everything just seems so little compared to what it used to be.
This has created a huge problem for me because the idea of losing someone brings me this anxiety. I don’t think I can handle another loss. When you lose a parent that was close to you, it changes you. People think you get over it after a few years. I disagree with this. I don’t believe I would ever get over it, and still have not come to terms of acceptance. There is too much unfinished business. But, I have to learn to live with that. I have to learn that my father won’t be there for all the experiences I go through. This is the main reason why it really hurts to do anything.
Depression is not just a thought, it is an actual state of mind that ultimately affects your body and even the choices that you make in life. There are a few people in my life that don’t necessarily understand what it means to be depressed, or go through an illness. I don’t like it when people tells me “you’re okay” without actually knowing what it is that is making me feel that way. I don’t like when people tell me how I should feel, or what emotions I should go through. You own your experiences and difficulties. If someone hurts your feelings, then you should feel hurt because it is your feelings. Do not let anyone tell you that you are over reacting (Unless you really are 😉 ). It is difficult to constantly make people happy when I am not. I hate making people mad or sad, so I am on this constant roller coaster to making sure NO ONE is mad at me, because I know physically I can’t handle the burden of someone being mad at me. This has always been the case with me, and is becoming more apparent in my adult years.
I think that we all go through something at some point in our lives that makes us feel down and sad. Some are lucky enough to move passed the issues, and others are just stagnant. Some days it is hard to get out of bed, or do anything. But I still do it, because I need to. Depression and anxiety holds you hostage in certain moments. You can’t control your emotions, and all you want to do is run away. Most importantly we must surround ourselves around people who are willing to be an open ear, even when it does not benefit them. Surround yourself around people that do not make you feel small, when all you are trying to do is lift yourself up. Surround yourself around people that are willing to be considerate to your feelings. Not everyone will know you have depression or anxiety, and you DO NOT have to tell everyone. But I think generally people are becoming more inconsiderate than ever. I know as a human I am doing what I am supposed to do to make sure I attend to the people that matter to me. But it is a burden sometimes, and overall it still makes me happy to see people around me happy.
We shouldn’t sacrifice our happiness for the sake of others. But what I do hope to accomplish is to just be free with my thoughts, and not have to always worry if someone is mad at me. I am a slave to worriedness. Every tear and every moment of sadness, will always be a part of me. Regardless, I will still push a smile out, and laugh about the things that are laughable. If I am good to you in many ways, then it is not wrong of me to expect people to be good to me. I am thankful for those who make it a point to reach out to me, and be a helping hand, not necessarily physically but mentally. It is the little things that matter to me the most, because what I used to think were big things, are no longer things. We are a work in progress!
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