It took a friend to tell me I had a problem. For years I shut myself away, kept my daughter by my side, scared that she would leave me. I always assumed people with post-natal depression felt withdrawn from their child, mine was the complete opposite, I have learnt now that this too, is also ‘common’
I made the phone call and got the help I needed. This was just the start of the journey, I now had to figure out who I was all over again. I felt like I had been living a lie for two years. Was that person me? Could I still love my husband? Would me feeling better mean I didn’t love my child? I was frightened and alone, no matter how many people say ‘we will do this together’ really you are still alone.
You are the only one who can hear those thoughts running through your head in the middle of the night, the fear and anger all rolled into one.
You are the only one who has to face all those places and people you have been shut off from for so long.
You have to face the fear and stigma attached to any kind of depression, no matter how many people you hear suffer from it too, there will always be those narrow minded idiots that think you just need to ‘snap out of it’
The day I saw the doctor started well, I was honest and blunt and admitted I needed help. How ever the day ended badly, with me running away from my Husband in the pouring rain, for his judgement and negativity. We are okay now, he has had to face his own demons.
The only way I could view my ‘depression’ was to see it like a journey, going into a long dark tunnel, no light and completely alone. Standing up was the first step, then came the walking, baby steps. It was not for a long time that there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel, it got bigger and brighter until I finally felt ‘okay’ with myself again.
More recently, with being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis whilst pregnant with my second daughter, it was just another piece of the puzzle that made more sense. People with MS normally live with depression, which is now my future. Unlike my first ‘episode’ this depression is deep rooted and instead of being cured, it is simply controlled. Also, unlike before I often get feelings of suicide and hopelessness. A frustrating and scary place to be, but I guess that comes with having a neurological condition, no control and no way out.
I still struggle on a daily basis, I am not your average mum but I still love my girls immensely. I find writing a way of letting some of the pain go.
Depression is an illness like any other. I will never judge another for having this illness. Like I was by close friends. My MS gives me a reason for it being so constant and on-going, still it makes it n easier to deal with.
I look at these other mums who has such fluffy and perfect lives, it makes me wonder whether its all a cover up, after-all my life has never been that perfect, so how is theirs?
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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