- If you suffer from a chronic medical condition, try not to live in the remotest spot on Earth
- Whilst we revel in the splendour of your home, 3 inch shagpile carpets/rugs are not compatible with our carry chair
- If you feel unwell, stay downstairs
- Whilst we sympathise with your acute chest infection, it does not prevent you from putting your hand over your mouth whilst coughing. Spraying your germs into my open mouth/face/ general personal space is, and will always remain, disgusting and unacceptable (and is something my own children wouldn’t dream of doing)
- If you are over the age of 3, sober, conscious, able to complete a full sentence, without extreme learning difficulties or dementia, please tell your relatives to shut the fuck up and let you answer
- Giving the answer: people in green/hospitals/men/women to the question ‘Are you allergic to anything?’ fails to amuse us since ohhh….our second day in the job
- Miles of chippings/gravel around your home may ward off burglars, but it makes our job immensely difficult
- Yes, I did look for every pothole en route to hospital
- Swearing/Abuse/Violence gets you nowhere (except the local police station)
- We know when you’re lying
- We know when you are faking unconsciousness, ALWAYS, and in some cases, will whisper this fact into your ear
- We will not drop you, unless it’s (insert today’s day)
- If over approx 15 stone and situated upstairs on our arrival (I did warn you in point 3), please ensure all stairway paraphernalia is removed, otherwise I will be taking it with me as I lean on all available surfaces for support whilst carrying you downstairs
- Genuine patients: We do not charge for blankets/pain relief/sympathy/ chats
- Time wasters: do not expect any of the above
- If you are under 18, drunk and incapable, we will allow your parents to film you en route to hospital for your remorseful viewing the following morning
- Please ask your relatives to remove their cars from your drive or in front of your home so we can park directly outside
- Please ask said relatives not to wave their arms at us like they’re directing a jumbo jet in to land, we saw them half a mile ago
- If alone, please don’t have your bags packed and be locking your front door as we arrive…this tells us that either you don’t need us at all or you are very brave and foolish
- Please, for the love of God, display the number of your house, ON YOUR SODDING HOUSE!! and finally…
If you are a fellow colleague, we will rib you forever more for calling us…
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