Dear Diary,
What is wrong with denial? I have come to disagree with counselors and doctors who feel one must except reality. Can’t my reality actually be different from theirs? Why am I in denial because I disagree? If my reality is false and yours is true, I believe I am much better off being in my world, the world of denial.
Confusing? Let me better explain.
My future gets more bleak everyday. I have lived longer than expected. According to my doctors, most “victims” with advanced metastatic colon cancer to the liver would have passed away over a year ago. Yet here I am. Tired, weak and often in pain…but alive. I believe denial has kept me here. I simply refuse to believe I am going to die. Why should I? By accepting “the facts” am I not surrendering? It would be as if I put all of my weapons down. I may as well call the Grim Reaper and make a date with him. “Come take me, I’m yours.”
Instead I choose to live in MY World. This is the world I have created for myself. I am furiously writing books, as many as I can. This gives me goals. Once I start a book I need to complete it. I begin another book and I need to complete it too. The circle goes on and on. I cannot die when I have things left unsaid or unfinished. I must complete my goals and create new ones over and over again.
And now lets discuss the “Real World”. Yesterday, I sat down with one of my doctors. My current chemo treatment is no longer working. After a while, cancer is actually able to evolve and mutate until it creates an immunity to the chemo treatment. We discussed my options.
1. I may continue chemo, but with a different mixture of drugs. However, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. This new cocktail consists of even more toxic drugs. They are stronger but also have harsher side effects. Harsher? My God…the side effects can actually be worse? Cringing.
2. I can go to The James which is part of The Ohio State University and rated number 1 worldwide in cancer studies and treatment. I am lucky enough to live within a one hour drive. I have been under their care all along. However, this option involves me being caged up with the lab rats and monkeys so that I may partake in clinical trials and experimental treatments.
3. The final option I am given to consider is to do nothing at all. The chemo has done some permanent damage to my body. The more chemo I have, the more damage it may do. Is the pain and torture worth it? What is it doing to my quality of life?
The only purpose the chemo serves (this includes chemo with new drugs) is to prolong my life not saving it. The cancer has eaten most of my liver and is incurable-in the “real” world. It is therefore an option to do doing nothing at all. This allows the mutant beast free-range of my body. It allows the beast to take over and win.
Some days, I would say “no” and throw in the towel. However, the days I can spend living in another world I create through my writing and the days I am in contact with my family or looking into my husband’s eyes, I am motivated to stay in denial. I am encouraged to keep living.
In my world, I choose to live.
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